


Sea

by jhozy



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope Being An Asshole, Kim Taehyung | V & Park Jimin Are Best Friends, M/M, Personal Growth, Sad Park Jimin (BTS), Summer Love, also some soft vmin for the soul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-22 08:20:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19663456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhozy/pseuds/jhozy
Summary: All Jimin ever wanted was someone to stay. He finds hope in a handsome stranger with a heart-shaped smile and lets himself fall in love again.But where there's hope, there is despair.





	Sea

_**winter** _

Jimin's heart was as close to shattering as it had ever been. Every summer, there's a boy. And every time there's a boy, he's rich, he's beautiful, and he leaves the first weekend of September. It always hurts in a gut-punch sort of way. But this year was different. This boy didn't feel like just a hot summer fling. This boy made him feel absolutely loved and understood, and this boy left without a word, leaving Jimin completely empty. Every minute felt like waiting for something that never got closer. He could deal with pain, no problem. He was a pro. But the hopelessness that followed him through his nights and days was something he wasn't equipped to handle.

He relaxed when he saw the flashing lights of the arcade up ahead. He let himself feel the cold and he shivered until his mind was clear. The wind coming off the water chilled him to the bone so he pulled his jacket sleeves down over his hands to shield them from the biting air.

He didn't usually visit the boardwalk alone, especially late at night in February, but the four walls of his bedroom seemed to close in on him more and more with each passing day. He needed to get out. After driving aimlessly for a while, he ended up as far east as the earth let him go and decided this was fine. He parked the car and climbed the stairs to the boardwalk.

He figured it would be empty and was surprised to find that he wasn't alone. Young people who'd had their work hours cut at the end of September wandered like displaced ghosts along the freezing shore. Living in a beach town in the winter was a special kind of lonely. Driving the same streets he always did, passing the same massive houses he always did, and knowing that they'll be empty until May always left him feeling hollow while he waited for life to start up again.

A burst of hot air and the smell of popcorn stole his breath as he walked through the door to the arcade. He'd never come here by himself before and hadn't considered how out-of-place he'd feel. He changed a five dollar bill to quarters and scooped them into his right coat pocket, then browsed the machines for a minute, taking his time deciding which ones he wanted to play, a luxury he never got to experience when he came with his excitable best friends, Taehyung and Jungkook.

The arcade was pretty rundown. Jimin had gotten so used to it that he never stopped to look around and notice that it probably hadn't been updated since the early 90s. The floor was so worn in the areas with heavy foot traffic that it looked as if each machine sat on its own little island of brightly patterned carpet where feet couldn't reach. The dust on the tops of the games was so thick he thought he might be able to peel it all off in one shot and keep the layer intact.

After a minute, he jumped at the sudden sound of someone yelling on the other side of the arcade, followed by a loud laugh so funny he couldn't help but smile. Almost instinctively, he walked toward the sound.

The couple at the claw machine was so beautiful that he found their juxtaposition with the dingy arcade surroundings to be absurd. She was lovely, dressed in black leggings, combat boots, and an olive green coat, smiling widely and playfully hitting her boy in the arm as he threw himself dramatically at the machine. He wore jeans ripped at the knees, a blue hoodie with the sleeves pushed up, and a black snapback turned backwards so that a little tuft of dark hair fell out and curled over his forehead. He laughed along with the girl, and for the first time Jimin got a good look at his face.

As far as faces go, this one was perfect, from the crescents of his smiling eyes to his heart-shaped mouth. Jimin stood at a nearby machine, only halfway pretending to play it, flustered and waiting to be noticed.

"Ah, it was so close," the boy shouted as the girl finally noticed Jimin standing there.

"Hope, behave," she said, still laughing. "We're in public." She gestured towards Jimin. He looked sidelong at them and scratched his nose in an attempt to hide his smile.

"Hey," the perfect boy, whose name Jimin guessed was Hope, said to him. "Are you any good at these?"

Jimin was prepared to answer that the machines are rigged, that the claw always opens a split second before it reaches the corner. But if this guy was here right now, he was also a local, and already knew that. And anyway, Jimin actually _was_ good at claw machines. Crazy good, in fact. He knew the trick to make it work.

So Jimin smirked and walked over. They made room for him in front of the machine. The boy named Hope bent forward at the waist, hands on his knees, anticipating.

"He's gonna do it," he said. "Believe in my friend."

Jimin had been ready to hit the button. He had the angle perfect, and all he had to do was swing it slightly before dropping it onto the little blue dog plushie with its butt sticking up. He was prepared, and he knew he had it.

But his heart fluttered at the sound of Hope's voice calling him "my friend," and the the sound of his own stupid blood rushing into his head distracted him, and he didn't swing it like he was supposed to. His hand twitched a little. The dog moved slightly, but the machine bested him.

"Aw," Hope said. "I thought you had it." He felt a hand on his shoulder and his knees damn near gave out beneath him. "It was three for a dollar," he said, his voice suddenly an octave deeper. He crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his chin towards the machine. "Try it again."

Jimin swallowed and nodded. Ignoring the heat in his belly, he moved the claw into position, swung it once and then hit the button. As expected, the dog was scooped up, and the claw held just long enough to make it to the corner of the machine. He'd won. Hope shouted again and put his arm around Jimin's shoulders as he did a celebratory body roll. The girl squealed as she reached in to claim her prize.

Hope let his arm drop to his side and Jimin immediately missed it. He turned his head to face Jimin and his eyes softened for a moment, just long enough for both boys to notice before he blinked and shifted his gaze back to the girl and her new blue puppy.

The girl looked away quickly, pulling her gaze down to the plush dog in her hands.

"Anyway," Hope said to Jimin, "you're going to hang out with us for the rest of the night. Because you're a good luck charm, that's why." He smiled and Jimin felt blood rush to his cheeks. "What's your name?"

"Jimin."

"Jimin," he repeated in that low voice that made Jimin blush. He didn't try to hide it. "I'm Hoseok, and this is my Hyerin."

_**spring** _

Things moved fast.

They saw each other almost every day for three weeks. Hyerin called him at least once an hour whenever he and Jimin were together. Jimin watched Hoseok ignore four of her calls the night they hooked up in a motel room two towns over.

"You're it," Hoseok whispered into Jimin's hair as he rested his head on his chest. "I'm all done."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't have to look anymore. You're it."

"What about Hyerin?"

"I'm ending it tomorrow. I only want you."

Jimin nuzzled his cheek against Hoseok's bare chest and squeezed him tightly around the waist. Every moment spent with Hoseok was a moment Jimin spent not thinking about the boy who left him empty at the end of the summer. At first he tried not to get his hopes up, but there was something undeniable about the connection he felt between them. He understood why Hyerin gave him the nickname Hope, and was only slightly bitter that he couldn't use it.

Hoseok did end it with Hyerin the next day, and to celebrate he took Jimin to AJ's to get fucked up on Jameson. It was the only bar on the boardwalk that was always busy on the weekends even in the off-season. They took shot after shot, danced, laughed, and made out in the dimly lit hallway outside the restroom.

All night, Jimin's eye was drawn to a nasty cut and bruise on Hoseok's knuckles. He was too afraid to ask about until they were alone in the back seat of Hoseok's car at the end of the night.

He just laughed it off.

"Ah, sometimes you gotta have a cigarette and punch a telephone pole."

Jimin initially laughed at Hoseok's delivery, but as meaning pushed its way through his drunken haze, his stomach sank.

Hyerin. The breakup. Hoseok hadn't told him anything about it.

He decided he didn't want to know. He hadn't known Hoseok for long, but he knew enough. Hoseok wouldn't elaborate unless he was asked, and if he was asked, he would dance around the question until Jimin grew tired of trying to extract an answer from him. So instead of pushing, he kissed the wound, which made Hoseok laugh, and he let himself fall in love with the sound.

The weather got warmer and the town started to wake up. People went out more, and the shops opened up again, each training new high school kids so that they'd be properly staffed for the summer rush. Hoseok got promoted to assistant manager at Blue Side Bistro, the restaurant where he worked as a waiter for four years, so he worked almost every night. Jimin started working part-time again at The Main Squeeze, a popular organic juice bar on the boardwalk. It was still slow, since the season hadn't officially started.

Hoseok would sometimes hang around while Jimin worked, sitting at the counter drinking his favorite orange mango juice, greeting the customers with a warm smile and striking up conversations with everyone who came by. Jimin would clock out and they would have lunch together before Hoseok had to go in for his shift at the restaurant. They saw each other every minute they possibly could, and they were happy.

Hoseok stayed friends with Hyerin. They hung out some days while Jimin worked, and Jimin pretended to be fine with it until the day they came in for smoothies. Seeing them together for the first time since the night in the arcade, Jimin's stomach dropped. Suddenly it was February, and he was on the boardwalk feeling small and alone. Hoseok leaned over the counter for a kiss, but Jimin could only look past him to Hyerin, who faked a smile and nodded.

"What can I get for you?" Jimin said.

Hoseok smiled and ordered two strawberry banana smoothies.

"You sure you don't just want one with two straws?" As soon as Jimin said it, he regretted it. He didn't want to let it show that he was so insecure, especially in such a pathetic and juvenile way.

The smile vanished from Hoseok's face, replaced with mild annoyance, and he told Jimin not to be like that. Jimin made the smoothies and placed them on the counter for Hoseok, who took his wallet from his back pocket. Jimin shook his head and tried to smile, and Hoseok thanked him. He leaned over the counter again, eyes closed and lips puckered, fighting a smile. Jimin gave him a quick kiss. Hoseok winked and walked away, a smoothie in each hand. Hyerin followed him, giving Jimin a quick wave before the two of them disappeared into the growing crowd.

Jimin took an early lunch break.

That night he paced the floor, racking his brain, trying not to feel threatened and jealous of Hoseok's friend. He checked the time. Hoseok would be here soon. He set up Netflix and made his bed, considered it, and messed it up again. He picked a show to watch and fast-forwarded it to the middle of an episode, then lay on his stomach facing the TV, scrolling through photos of him and Hoseok on his phone. He got up and remade his bed, and as he replaced the pillows, he heard his front door open followed by Hoseok enthusiastically greeting his parents. After a minute, his bedroom door opened and Jimin turned from where he stood by the bed and faced his smiling boyfriend.

Hoseok's smile faded away when he saw Jimin's face.

Jimin tried to keep his cool. He tried not to get angry, to keep his voice down so as not to wake his younger brother. He tried to say nothing, tried not to start a fight, but it didn't work. It never worked. He moved away from Hoseok, to the middle of the bed, sat cross-legged there, and cried. Hoseok sat at the edge of the bed, not facing Jimin, stone-faced, showing no indication that he was listening as Jimin cried about making smoothies for him and Hyerin earlier. Jimin went on until he ran out of steam, hanging his head and crying quietly, shaking the bed with silent sobs. Only then did Hoseok turn to face him.

"I won't see her then," he said. And that was all. He thought he'd fixed it. Jimin froze, held his breath, and narrowed his eyes. "That's it. I just won't see her anymore. It doesn't matter."

"You're missing the whole point."

"No I'm not. You don't like me seeing her, so I'm done seeing her."

"What would that solve?"

"The problem, Jimin."

And because he was exhausted, and didn't want to fight, he let it go. He didn't want to consider the real problem any more than he knew Hoseok didn't want to consider it. So they sat for a long time, sniffling and sighing through the laughtrack on the sitcom that had been playing on the TV the whole time. They sat quietly until they were both ready to let it go, then Hoseok lay back and pulled Jimin gently down with him so his head was on his chest, and he kissed the top of Jimin's head and stroked his hair until he fell asleep.

Hoseok watched him for a long time. The sun came up and neither of them had moved. Hoseok got no sleep that night and it was okay. He'd sleep while Jimin worked.

_**summer** _

With summer came the desperate heat of two boys madly in love. They couldn't go a day without seeing each other. They figured out ways around their opposite work schedules, and, on rare occasions when they both had a day off, they'd go to the beach.

Jimin and Hoseok set up their towels between Taehyung's and Jungkook's lifeguard stands, drank watered down vodka they'd snuck in the soda bottles, and talked. They barely had anything in common, but it never deterred them.

Jimin had never felt carefree as an adult until he felt those beach days with Hoseok. On that beach, they told each other stories of their childhoods, their families, old friends they don't speak to anymore, and heartbreaks. Hoseok seemed most himself at the ocean. Jimin learned the most about him during their talks there in the sand.

Jimin told Hoseok about the boy who used him up and left him at the end of last summer. Hoseok told him about an older guy he dated years ago who cheated on him every chance he got, and how he knew it was happening but was too young and foolish to leave.

When it got too hot, or the conversation got too heavy, Hoseok stood abruptly and declared swimming time, and they raced each other to the water, plunging in together, grabbing onto each other for support against the crashing waves that threatened to sweep their feet out from under them. They clung to each other until they were past the point of the waves crashing.

Jimin watched as Hoseok made goofy faces and flapped his hands like a fish's fins, then dove under the water, only to appear directly in front of him, just a few inches beneath the surface, his head by Jimin's chest and his feet stretched out before him. Jimin watched as the reflection of the sunlight on the waves danced on Hoseok's skin, turning him a soft shade of blue. The waves softened Hoseok's edges and reminded Jimin that Hoseok was still a mystery. There was still so much of him to explore.

Jimin watched with a smile as the water washed over his lover. He reached out to hold onto his shoulders. At this touch, Hoseok opened his eyes and looked up at Jimin through the water and flashed his best heart-shaped smile, and Jimin thought that this must be the most beautiful sight he would ever see in his life.

After the day Hoseok took Hyerin for smoothies, they didn't have another argument for a long time. Everything was good. Hoseok didn't see her, they went out on Hoseok's nights off, got drunk and made fun of the tourists to their faces, and made out in the back seat of Hoseok's car or on park benches in the middle of the night.

Jimin didn't get much sleep that summer. He didn't feel right unless he was with Hoseok, and the only time they had together was the night. Back then, days had a way of dragging on, but the nights went by too quickly. The two of them would sometimes watch the sunrise over the ocean from the end of a jetty a mile from the end of the boardwalk. They'd take their shirts off and roll them into a pillow, and Hoseok would lie back and rest his head on it, then extend his arms to a smiling Jimin, who would lie with him, his head resting on Hoseok's stomach, and they'd get sleepy, laying like that, and watch with heavy hearts as the night ended.

When they loved, they loved hard.

_**autumn** _

The end of the summer didn't stop Jimin from staying out late, and his parents, having no idea where he was most nights sometimes past two, gave him an ultimatum.

"Your mother waits up for you every night," his father said, avoiding eye contact with his son, "and sometimes you don't even come home. This boy, he isn't a good influence."

He'd already known he'd overstayed his welcome in his parents' house. He figured it was probably lame to still live at home at 23 years old, still abiding by the law of the curfew. Jimin felt tears well up in his eyes but said nothing. His mother noticed, however, and immediately burst into tears.

His father rolled his eyes at his weeping mother before pointing a finger in Jimin's face.

"Either come home at a reasonable hour, or get out of my house."

Jimin looked at his mother, who shrank behind her husband and wiped her eyes. He went to his bedroom and packed his backpack full of the usual essentials. He didn't acknowledge his parents as he walked through the living room to the front door, the backpack slung over one shoulder.

Hoseok was still at work. The Bistro was popular among the locals, so it stayed busy year-round.

Jimin walked to Taehyung's house and let himself in. He wasn't home but Jimin dropped his backpack on the floor and flopped onto his friend's bed anyway.

Hours later, Jimin heard Taehyung come into the room. He was half-awake, but not enough to open his eyes or to speak. He felt Taehyung stop in his tracks at the sight of him on his bed and the backpack on the floor.

It hadn't been the first time Jimin showed up with this same backpack trying to escape his father.

Gently, he took Jimin's shoes off and placed them on the floor beside the backpack, then left the room to return with an extra blanket to cover Jimin. He turned the light off and climbed onto the bed, careful not to wake him.

The sound of knocking startled Jimin awake. He opened his eyes and tried to move, but Taehyung had his arms and legs wrapped around him. They'd been friends since the first grade and since the very first sleepover, this is how they always ended up. At first, Jimin would slither out of Taehyung's koala grip slowly, pulling his pillow behind him and leaving that with Taehyung while he switched to the other side of the bed, but he'd always wake up a little while later with Taehyung's limbs around him once again, only this time without his pillow. After a few years, he gave up and just let it happen, and they both got used to it.

The knocks came again, louder and more frantic, followed by the sound of the front door opening.

"Jiminie?" It was Hoseok's voice. The bedroom door burst open before he could respond and Hoseok let himself into the room. Jimin sat up and wriggled himself free. Taehyung groaned and reached across the bed for an extra pillow.

"Jimin," Taehyung said, opening one eye. "You okay? Hi, Hoseok."

"I'm okay," Jimin said. "Go back to sleep."

Jimin scooped up his shoes and backpack as he got out of bed and then gestured with his chin for Hoseok to lead him out of the room. In the hallway he got a good look at Hoseok's face.

"What's wrong?" Jimin asked.

"I got off work and couldn't get a hold of you," Hoseok said, running his hand through his dirty hair. He still smelled like the restaurant.

"I'm sorry." Jimin walked towards the front door and Hoseok followed him.

"What happened?" Hoseok said.

Jimin didn't answer until they were outside Taehyung's house. He got to the end of the walkway and paused on the sidewalk, adjusting the backpack on his shoulder, looking one way and then the other. Where was he supposed to go?

"I went to your house looking for you, Jimin," Hoseok said. "What happened?"

"He kicked me out." As he pulled his sneakers on, he turned to face Hoseok. In the sunlight he looked even more exhausted. Jimin felt a pang of guilt. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls," he added. "I was asleep."

Hoseok put his hands on his hips and turned his head to look down the street. He ran both hands through his hair.

"Yeah, I spoke to him," he said. "I'm so sorry, Jiminie." His voice cracked.

"Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?"

Hoseok looked at Jimin with tears in his eyes and nodded. Jimin smiled and took his hand. They walked in silence to Lo-Fi, a cafe on Main Street, which was about three blocks from Taehyung's house. They each ordered an iced coffee and sat at a table in the far corner of the cafe. Hoseok sat quietly, his face betraying no emotion despite the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Hoseok, talk to me," Jimin said. "What's going on with you?"

"I was worried about you," Hoseok said.

"I really fell asleep as soon as I got to Tae's. I wasn't ignoring your calls."

"You could've texted me to let me know what happened, and where you were."

Hoseok didn't meet Jimin's eyes, so Jimin twisted his body to put himself in Hoseok's line of sight. "Did you hear yourself just now?" he said.

Hoseok finally looked at Jimin. "I don't like worrying about where you are."

"Then don't."

Hoseok glared and Jimin swallowed hard. He'd never seen this side of Hoseok before and he found himself longing for the Hoseok that almost cried in front of Taehyung's house. Now that he thought about it, it had been almost eight months and Jimin hadn't seen him cry once. He'd gotten angry, stoic or introspective, sure. A few times on the beach over the summer, when the conversation became real, he came close to cracking, but always managed to smile through it. Jimin had found it endearing if not a bit frustrating, considering he cried a lot, and with no shame.

But the Hoseok that sat before him in this cafe wasn't teary, wasn't worried. He was pissed. And Jimin had no idea how to react.

"Say I disappeared for a whole night," Hoseok said. "You'd be fine with it, yeah?"

"Well, no, not necessarily."

"You don't trust me."

"Hoseok, that's not even related to the discussion we were just having."

"Of course it is." Hoseok took a sip of his coffee without breaking eye contact with Jimin. "You ran to Taehyung's."

"Where the fuck else would I have gone?"

"The Bistro?"

"I've always gone to Taehyung's. Always. That isn't going to change."

"Why's he hold you like that?"

Jimin laughed out loud. He couldn't help it.

"Nothing's funny, Jimin."

Jimin kept on laughing. Did Hoseok actually believe Taehyung had feelings for Jimin? Taehyung would cuddle just about anything if he was asleep. He'd once walked into his room to see Taehyung wrapped around a trash can. _A trash can._ (Granted, he was drunk at the time, and Jungkook had given him the trash can just in case he was sick, but still.) Jimin sipped his coffee then resumed his laughter.

Suddenly Hoseok slapped the table. The noise startled the barista, who stopped what she was doing and looked at them. Jimin sat wide-eyed, looking from the barista behind Hoseok to the other three customers in the cafe. He felt his face get hot.

"I'm sorry, Jiminie," Hoseok said. "I didn't mean to startle you." When Jimin didn't answer, Hoseok's face softened and he leaned across the table, reaching for Jimin's hand. The anger in his eyes dissipated and the image of Hoseok with tears in his eyes and his hands in his hair flashed through Jimin's mind. He sank into his chair and looked down at Hoseok's hand but made no move to take it. Hoseok wiggled his fingers and smiled, but Jimin stood his ground, so he bounced his open hand on the table. Still, Jimin did nothing but look at it. By then, the other people in the cafe had lost interest.

"I hate everything you're saying right now," Jimin said.

"I said I was sorry," Hoseok said, pouting.

"Everything before that. And stop twisting everything."

"Who's twisting?"

Jimin suddenly remembered that it was Thursday. "Shit," he said, straightening his back. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, but it was dead. "What time is it?"

"Like, 9:30."

"Shit. My shift started half an hour ago. I have to go." Jimin stood up and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He grabbed his coffee and paused.

This was when he'd lean in for a goodbye kiss.

The boys looked at each other, both knowing, waiting to see what would happen. They stayed like that for a beat, Hoseok straightening his back, taking his hand back into his lap, looking up at Jimin expectantly. It wasn't worth the fight. Jimin leaned forward for a peck on the lips, then pulled back. Hoseok stayed still, lips slightly parted, eyes half closed. Jimin turned and left him there.

They let it go, and that night, when Hoseok got off work, Jimin met him at his house where they loved like nothing had happened. They researched winter rentals. The houses were mostly tiny shacks on the beach, but they were fully furnished and dirt cheap. It was only a seven month commitment, a perfect trial period for living together.

"You're it, you know," Hoseok said after they'd had sex for the third time that night. "I'm all done."

Jimin breathed a sigh of relief and smiled into Hoseok's neck. "I know."

* * *

They moved into the beach house not long after that. As soon as they finished moving in, Hoseok went to buy liquor and groceries. While he was out, Jimin dyed his hair from dark brown to orange, scrubbed the tiles in the bathroom, and took his first shower in his own house. He turned the water off when he heard the bag of bottles hit the kitchen counter.

They took their first round of shots right there in the bathroom, with Jimin standing naked and dripping because he'd forgotten to bring in the towels.

Several drinks and a large meatball pizza pie later, the boys found themselves on the beach behind the house, holding hands and running through the loose sand towards the water. They held on tight for support but fell down anyway. Jimin landed on top of Hoseok, and they laughed as Hoseok flipped Jimin onto his back and gave him a sloppy whiskey-flavored kiss. A thick blanket of fog concealed them from view of anyone else who might be on the beach.

They rolled around and laughed at the cold sand sticking to their exposed skin. Wind from the water carried mist that soaked their hair and dripped down their faces. They shivered and retreated into each other for warmth. The kisses became longer, deeper, hungrier.

Jimin listened to the waves, and to Hoseok's little moans in his mouth, and figured these two sounds could not be separated from each other.

_**winter** _

The Main Squeeze closed its doors for the season. To pay rent, Jimin got a part-time job as a barista at Lo-Fi.

But working twenty hours a week wasn't enough to distract Jimin from the loneliness that weighed heavily on his heart.

Taehyung came to the beach house a lot, especially while Hoseok worked. Jungkook, too, sometimes. But inevitably, they'd leave, and Jimin would sit on the couch and listen to their cars as they drove away, looking around at the empty living room where the furniture wasn't even his.

Jimin's mother called him every Saturday to make sure he was safe and eating well. And every week, he asked to speak to his father, only to have his mother stutter an excuse for him. He was called in to work. He just stepped out for milk. He's in the shower.

One day, she said, "Jimin, he just doesn't want to speak to you," and Jimin swore the temperature in the room dropped.

Jimin said okay, said he had to go, and that he loved her and Dad so much.

He hung up the phone and burst into tears.

He cried on the couch for a long time, cold and abandoned, and was lying on his stomach clutching a pillow when he heard the front door open. He waited for Hoseok's usual cheery greeting but it didn't come. The door slammed and his footsteps were heavy as he approached the living room in the back of the house where Jimin lay sobbing.

"Work fucking sucks," Hoseok said as he entered the room. Jimin looked up at Hoseok, the image of him blurred by the tears in his eyes. Hoseok wasted no time, rushing over to sit on the edge of the couch beside Jimin. He placed a hand gently on the small of Jimin's back, which felt warm, and and he felt so loved that he cried harder.

"Oh no," Hoseok said. He stretched out on the couch beside Jimin, muttering "oh no, oh no" over and over until he was comfortably lying beside him. He wrapped his arms around Jimin, who let himself be enveloped. They stayed like that for a long time before Jimin stopped crying long enough to speak. Hoseok looked at him with genuine concern in his eyes.

"It's my dad," he finally said. "He won't talk to me. He's ashamed of me."

"That isn't it," Hoseok replied.

"He isn't proud of me. That's all it can be."

"He isn't ashamed of you, and he is proud of you. He just hates me and hates that you're with me."

Jimin curled himself into Hoseok until he felt safe.

"Ah, Jimin," Hoseok said. Jimin couldn't see his face but he heard his smile.

"What?" He knew his voice sounded tiny, and maybe a little whiny, muffled as it was by Hoseok's shirt.

"I'm sorry, baby," Hoseok said.

"It's not your fault."

Jimin felt Hoseok tremble and leaned back to get a good look at him.

"I'm so sorry."

Hoseok's lips twitched and his eyes filled with tears. Jimin remembered the days at the beach, and that one morning in front of Taehyung's house, and his heart fluttered. Finally, he let his tears flow freely. Hoseok looked into Jimin's eyes and repeated the same simple apology again.

Jimin sat up and pulled Hoseok with him. They sat cross-legged on the couch, facing each other. Hoseok hung his head. Jimin noticed that he cried the same way he laughed, with his whole body. He leaned forward and kissed the top of Hoseok's head, breathing in his scent mixed with the fried-food scent of the Bistro. He rested his forehead on the top of Hoseok's head and reached out with both hands to rub his shoulders.

Hoseok continued apologizing under his breath until Jimin cut him off.

"It wasn't your fault," Jimin said. "It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened."

Hoseok tried to speak, but choked on a sob and gave up.

Jimin climbed into Hoseok's lap and planted kisses all over his face, trying to get him to smile, but he didn't.

"I'm sorry about your dad," Hoseok said. "And about how I handled it that day, about thinking something happened with you and Tae. And I'm sorry about not being a good boyfriend to you lately."

Jimin pulled Hoseok into a tight hug and Hoseok let himself be held, let himself feel, for the first time since they met. He let go, breaking down into violent sobbing in Jimin's arms. Jimin was confused but profoundly moved. Intense expressions of emotion and vulnerability were so powerfully beautiful to him.

"Where's this coming from?" Jimin said, running his fingers through Hoseok's hair.

Hoseok took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. He sat up, looked Jimin in the eyes, and gently wiped his tears with his ring fingers.

"Work fucking sucks," Hoseok said. "I'm the only one who does side work so I keep having to stay late. And I don't want to stay late at that shithole." He swallowed hard. "I'm sick of it. At the end of the day, all I want is to be with you. And I haven't been there for you and I fucking hate it."

Jimin kept stroking Hoseok's hair and wiping tears off his cheeks with his free hand. He didn't say anything.

"I'm gonna fuck us up."

"You won't," Jimin said. He kissed Hoseok's forehead. "It's good that you told me. We're good."

"I'm sorry," Hoseok said again.

"Well, don't be," Jimin replied. "I'm good, and we're okay."

Hoseok hung his head and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. "I love you," he said quietly.

"I know." Jimin kissed the top of Hoseok's head. "I love you."

* * *

Once Hoseok opened, it was impossible to close him back up, and Jimin wouldn't have had it any other way. They loved again with the intensity of their k summer. Jimin often dreamed of floating over the raging sea, sunrise colors painting the inside of his mind brilliant orange and pink and blue. In these dreams he felt the stomach-drop of a fall from a steep height as his body rushed through the air, coming within inches of the water but always sweeping back up into the sky before he touched down. His dreams were warm, the air around him soft and billowing like a sheet on a clothesline, and the air smelled like coconut and oranges, and he'd wake up with butterflies in his stomach and a racing heart and roll over to kiss Hoseok's shoulder, inhale the citrus scent of his body wash, and go back to sleep curled around him.

Jimin had the constant sense that his feet would never touch the ground again.

Hoseok had more bad days than good days at work. He came home angry most nights, and Jimin handled it the best way he could. He'd stop at the grocery store on his way home, google a recipe for one of Hoseok's favorite meals in the parking lot, and buy all the ingredients.

But Jimin couldn't cook, as it turned out. He botched every recipe. It never looked appetizing, it never tasted right.

But Hoseok always ate everything on the plate. Every bite.

"Ah, Jiminie," he'd say every single time, "you've outdone yourself," and Jimin would know he was lying, but smile anyway.

Jimin relied on Hoseok, too. Hoseok took note of his favorite take-out orders from all the local restaurants, and would sometimes bring him one of these meals in a bento box for lunch while he worked. Jimin's manager was a stoner and so she typically let the employees do whatever they wanted to do. He would make Hoseok an iced coffee, take off his apron, and sit at one of the tables with Hoseok and eat the food he brought him. Just like in the summer, when Hoseok would sit at the juice bar and watch Jimin with hearts in his eyes to match his smile.

The first snow of the season was on their first anniversary. They walked to the boardwalk to celebrate, and Hoseok held tightly onto Jimin, joking that the wind was going to blow him away if he let go, and Jimin laughed and let himself be held until they arrived at the arcade where they'd first met. It had been Jimin's idea to come here. He thought it would be cute, maybe even a little romantic.

And it was. In theory.

The blast of hot air as they walked through the doors, the scent of popcorn, the tinny sound of the music from the machines, and the remnants of an all too familiar heavy feeling in his gut all hit him at the same time. Hoseok was talking, taking Jimin's hand as he led him to a motorcycle racing game, but Jimin was distracted. He played along, rode his virtual motorcycle so far off the track that he spent the next full minute going in circles on an airplane runway trying to find it again.

"Ah, Jiminie," Hoseok said, tilting his head playfully, "it's no fun for me if you don't stay in your lane."

His wording was just enough to send Jimin over the edge. He climbed off the fake motorcycle and walked away without a word. He didn't have to look behind him to know Hoseok wasn't following him, that he was still mounting the motorcycle with a confused expression on his face, his mouth slightly open in the shape of an o, his eyes wide, his head cocked to one side.

After a few seconds, Hoseok called Jimin's name, and Jimin heard his footsteps behind him. The arcade was pretty small, and there weren't many places to go, and so Jimin found himself by the claw machines where it all began.

Hoseok caught Jimin by the arm and turned him around so they faced each other.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "I was only joking."

Jimin swallowed a lump in his throat and avoided eye contact. He didn't know what was wrong. He rationalized that the hopelessness was not founded in anything real, that it was just the remnants of last year's heartbreak, and the sights and sounds and smells of this place just brought it all back. He knew all this, but still couldn't stop feeling it, and he was ashamed.

"It was a joke," Hoseok continued when Jimin didn't answer. He placed his hands on Jimin's shoulders and squeezed them gently. "Hey, don't be upset."

"I don't care about the game," Jimin mumbled.

"Okay, then what?"

"Don't play dumb."

"I didn't think I was."

Jimin dared a glance at Hoseok's face and immediately felt guilty. Just as Jimin had pictured, Hoseok's eyes were wide with concern, his mouth open, completely and genuinely clueless. He softened and took a step forward, resting his head on Hoseok's shoulder.

"What's going on?" Hoseok said into Jimin's hair. Jimin wrapped his arms around Hoseok's waist and squeezed.

"I don't think I should have come here," Jimin said.

Hoseok sighed and hugged Jimin, pulling him closer so their bodies were flush.

"It's nothing you did," Jimin said.

"I get it," Hoseok said. "Let's go somewhere else."

"No." Jimin had no idea why, despite hating being in the arcade, he didn't want to leave. "What would that solve?"

"The problem, Jimin."

Jimin remembered the last time they had this conversation, the last band-aid fix. He remembered Hoseok the night they met, in his blue hoodie and his ripped jeans, next to his Hyerin.

He shook his head. He wasn't going to do this today. Not on the anniversary of the day they first met.

"Tell me you love me," Jimin said, his voice small and muffled.

Hoseok kissed Jimin's head. "You know I do."

"I just want to hear it."

"Jimin," Hoseok said in that voice that drove Jimin crazy in this spot one year ago, "I love you. You know that, don't you?"

Jimin took a deep breath and pulled away from Hoseok to look him in the eyes. He could tell he meant it, and that it pained him to think Jimin might not believe it, and that was enough.

For now, it was enough.

They left the arcade and fought through the biting wind and snow to their bar, where they sat at a booth in the corner, laughing through tears and nursing whiskey drinks, holding hands across the table and playfully kicking each other underneath it.

They fucked in the bathroom, then stumbled home and did it again.

Afterwards, they took a hot shower together to quell the chill in their bones. Jimin was surprised, when he closed his eyes and tilted his head back to rinse the shampoo out of his hair, to feel Hoseok's arms around his waist, his chin on his shoulder. Jimin turned his head to look at him. In the brief moment of eye contact before Hoseok closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Jimin's, Jimin could've sworn he saw him crying.

"You okay?" Jimin asked.

Hoseok kept his eyes closed and smiled. He nodded, his chin tickling Jimin's shoulder as he did so. Jimin figured it must have just been water from the shower, and felt silly for thinking otherwise.

Of course it had just been water from the shower.

* * *

The rest of the winter went by quickly. Jimin and Hoseok relied heavily on each other and felt uneasy when they spent any time apart. They fucked hard and often, and loved harder. Hoseok opened up and kept opening up, giving his whole self to Jimin, with grand gestures and intense expressions of love.

Every night, Hoseok fell asleep wrapped around Jimin, clinging to him as if their bed was the ocean, and if he let go, they'd drift apart on separate waves and lose each other.

_**spring** _

Hoseok looked uneasy as he took and counted Jimin's portion of March's rent.

"It's all there, right?" Jimin said.

Hoseok nodded.

"So what's the matter?"

"Nothing," he said, but he wouldn't meet Jimin's eyes. He counted the cash in his hand again, then walked past Jimin to put it in an envelope, then in the mailbox for the landlord to pick up. Jimin stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter, listening to Hoseok's footsteps as he moved through the house. He heard him in the bedroom, opening and closing drawers. When he came back to the kitchen he was dressed only in his boxers and holding a wad of clean clothes. He smiled at Jimin and kissed his forehead before heading into the bathroom to take a shower.

Jimin stood still, listening to the water, staring at the kitchen floor. Something was up. He could feel it. So he opened the bathroom door and let himself in.

"Jimin?" Hoseok said, his voice echoing against the tile. "Did I leave my face wash on the sink?"

Jimin handed the bottle to Hoseok.

"Thanks, love." Hoseok pulled the curtain back and stuck his face out, eyes closed, lips puckered. Jimin ignored him.

"Can you tell me what's going on with you?" Jimin said.

Hoseok opened his eyes and pouted before disappearing again behind the curtain. "I was just thinking," he said, feeling bold because of the thin plastic barrier between them, "of what we should do when the lease is up."

"Oh," Jimin said, pleasantly surprised. "I guess I kind of figured we could get an apartment further inland. Something cheap."

Hoseok was quiet for a while. "We could do that, yeah."

"I can start looking tonight while you're at work."

"Sure."

"Is that okay? What do you want to do?"

"No, that's perfect."

Jimin smiled and pulled back the shower curtain, startling Hoseok. "I love you, you know," Jimin said.

"I know," Hoseok said, smiling so the corners of his eyes crinkled.

Jimin left the bathroom and went to change out of his work clothes. He didn't put on clean clothes, since even his skin smelled strongly of coffee, and he planned on showering as soon as Hoseok left for work anyway. He flopped onto the bed in nothing but his boxers and scrolled through social media feeds on his phone.

Hoseok's phone, which he'd left charging on the nightstand, buzzed. Jimin ignored it, but it buzzed again. He scooted over to check it, ready to bring it to the bathroom if it was a phone call. He picked it up as it buzzed again, but it was just a text message. Actually, three text messages, and all from the same person. Jimin's stomach dropped when he saw the name. Why had Hoseok been texting Hyerin?

_I'm screaming_

_That's fucking hilarious_

_Omg my coworkers are glaring at me i'm laughing so hard_

It buzzed again.

_Holy shit i look so stupid rn_

"Yeah, I bet you do," Jimin muttered.

He heard the bathroom door open and Hoseok's footsteps heading towards the bedroom. Jimin fumbled to put the phone back on the nightstand and scoot back to his side of the bed. He tried to look natural, as if all he'd been doing was scrolling through his own phone this whole time. He focused on his breathing and willed his hands to stop shaking.

"How was your shower?" he said in a squeakier voice than he'd meant.

Hoseok laughed. "Pretty normal."

Jimin flipped onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow to face Hoseok, who looked at him quizzically.

Jimin attempted a smile and watched Hoseok rub a towel over his dripping hair as he made his way to the nightstand and his phone. Jimin's muscles tensed up as he checked it. He watched Hoseok closely and saw the corner of his mouth twitch slightly as he read the messages.

Jimin decided that this was enough, that he had the answer he was looking for.

He felt nauseated. He sat up quickly and rushed to the bathroom. He locked the door, which he knew was pointless; the door was easily unlocked if the knob was jiggled a certain way from the he turned on the water, making it as hot as it would go, and stood in the steam, bent over the toilet for a minute, just in case, until the nausea subsided. Then he stood in the shower, feeling his blood rush to the skin on his back where the water scalded him.

He waited for Hoseok to come visit him, waited to hear the doorknob jiggle and the lock click open, but that didn't happen.

The door shook a little like it always did when the front door opened and closed. Hoseok had left for work, and Jimin was alone.

* * *

Jimin slept poorly and dreamt often, unsettling dreams of falling upward and watching the sea rage beneath him until it was obscured by rainclouds. Every time he had this dream he'd wake up soaked in sweat, clinging to the mattress, and he'd look for Hoseok, who would be sleeping on the other side of the bed, one arm over his head, mouth open, unaware. Jimin would stare for a long time, wondering how Hoseok was able to sleep so soundly, knowing he was breaking someone's heart.

Of course, Jimin checked Hoseok's phone any chance he got, and of course, he never liked what he found there. But he kept on doing it, and said nothing to Hoseok, preferring to ignore the obvious. Anything not to face the fact that it was over.

Eventually he stopped snooping, stopped asking questions he didn't want to know the answers to.

Every day after work, Jimin kissed Hoseok hello, then got in the shower and stayed there until he heard Hoseok leave. When Hoseok was out, he slept deeply, dreamlessly.

Hoseok stopped complaining to him about work being difficult, and so Jimin stopped having dinner ready for him when he got home.

The front door opening woke Jimin up, but he stayed in bed and listened as Hoseok warmed something up in the microwave, turned the TV on while he ate, and washed the dishes when he was done. Usually, Jimin would be on his phone when Hoseok came into the bedroom to grab a change of clothes, and he'd make conversation about something a friend posted that day, and they'd laugh and make fun of them for a few minutes before Hoseok took a shower.

But today, and he didn't know why, Jimin pretended to be asleep when Hoseok came into the bedroom. He opened his eyes slightly to watch Hoseok move through the room, undress and put his dirty clothes in the hamper in the closet, then rummage through the drawer for clean sweatpants. Jimin waited for him to take his phone out, to plug it into the charger and leave it before he left the room.

But he didn't.

Hoseok suddenly turned to face Jimin, his head cocked to the side. Jimin quickly shut his eyes. He felt Hoseok sit at the foot of the bed, felt his eyes still on him. Then Hoseok's hand was on Jimin's calf, kneading gently, a trick that he knew always put Jimin to sleep.

Tears began to form behind Jimin's eyes and he swallowed hard, willing them not to fall and expose him. His body relaxed under Hoseok's touch, as it always did, and Hoseok must have noticed. After one last pat on Jimin's leg, he stood up and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Jimin curled himself around his pillow. He couldn't hold back his tears anymore.

Hoseok came back about an hour later and climbed into bed, careful not to wake Jimin, who he thought had fallen asleep. He propped himself up on one elbow to get a look at Jimin's face. Jimin could tell his eyelids were still puffy from crying, his nose still red. Some hair stuck to his face where the tears dried, and Hoseok pushed these strands back. He ran his fingers through Jimin's hair a few times before wrapping his arms around him and holding him as tight as he could without waking him up.

Like this he fell asleep, and like this they stayed until morning.

* * *

In the middle of May, they packed up to move into their new apartment. It was in a shitty part of town, but it was all they could afford. Hoseok went through all the motions with a heart-shaped smile on his face. Jimin pretended not to notice that he'd closed himself back up.

They no longer talked late at night about what was in their hearts, they no longer held each other and cried. Jimin told him every day how much he loved him, and Hoseok responded with, "I know," a smile, and a kiss. Sometimes he'd tell Jimin he loved him, and sometimes he'd use sex to avoid having to say it at all.

Jimin would lie there afterwards, his head on Hoseok's shoulder, running his fingers over his chest, waiting for Hoseok to tell him, "You're it, you know," but the words never came.

They found cheap furniture at garage sales and online marketplaces and they split the cost of a new mattress, which they put right on the floor, since they didn't have a bed frame yet. They christened it the night they moved in. It was the first thing that was truly theirs, together, and Jimin loved it.

The Main Squeeze opened for the season and Jimin saw less and less of Hoseok. It was exactly like the last summer; Jimin worked days and Hoseok worked nights. The only difference was that on days that they both worked Jimin would be asleep before Hoseok got home. They didn't go out. They didn't watch the sunrise at the beach. They watched TV, listened to music, ordered food, and had sex if ever they were both home.

Thursday was Hoseok's late night, and Jimin was off on Fridays, so Taehyung and Jungkook came over every week with bottles of liquor or cases of beer.

The three of them sat on the secondhand couch facing the television, taking turns playing a two-player video game. When Jimin's turn was up, he handed the controller to Jungkook and got up to get another round of drinks.

"Jimin," Taehyung called.

"Hey, Jimin!" Jungkook echoed.

"I'm listening, guys," Jimin said. He took three beers out of the fridge and twisted off their caps before carrying them back out to the living room. He stopped in his tracks.

The game was paused, and Taehyung and Jungkook were staring at him.

"What?" Jimin said.

"Come sit," Taehyung said. Jimin did as he was told, placing two beers on the coffee table and taking a swig out of the third. "First, are you okay?"

Jimin laughed. "Of course I'm okay. Are you okay?"

"I am," Taehyung said. "Thanks for asking. But seriously."

"Seriously what?"

"You've been weird," Jungkook said. Taehyung shot him a look and he shrugged. "Yeah, you've been kind of weird."

"What Kook means," Taehyung said, "is that we don't really hear from you much anymore."

"Yeah," Jungkook said. "You text us back twelve hours later saying you were asleep."

"It's not a lie," Jimin defended. "I'm asleep when you text me."

"Tell us one thing," Taehyung said, his voice calm and his eyes wide with concern. "Is Hoseok treating you well?"

"I can kick his ass," Jungkook said. "Yeah, if need be, I can beat him up if he's not being good to you." He took another sip of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before punctuating his point with a decisive nod.

This made Jimin laugh. "You honestly could," he said. "He's a skinny thing."

"I'm saying," Jungkook said.

" _Please_ ," Taehyung said to Jungkook, putting his hand out towards him but keeping his eyes on Jimin.

"Sorry," Jungkook said. "Proceed."

Taehyung placed his hand on Jimin's knee. "We're just concerned about you. You haven't been yourself."

Jimin looked down at Taehyung's hand and pointed at it. "Isn't this a bit much?"

Taehyung nodded solemnly. "Yes." But he left his hand there.

"Guys, I'm okay. I promise. We've both been working a lot and we don't get to see each other much. I just miss him, that's all."

"Hang out with us more," Jungkook said. "While he's at work, call us up. We'll raise some hell."

"Jeon Jungkook," Taehyung said, rubbing his temples with his free hand.

In response, Jungkook made a silly face at Jimin.

"Thank you for your concern, guys," Jimin said. "You both did a great job."

Taehyung exhaled loudly and squeezed Jimin's knee before letting go.

"And if you missed me this much," Jimin teased, "all you had to do was say so."

A chorus of, "Oh, Jimin," and, "we just missed you _so much_ ," followed, getting louder and louder until Jimin erupted into laughter.

Jimin let Taehyung and Jungkook play the game for the rest of the night, content to rest his head on Taehyung's lap.

* * *

On one rainy day, Jimin was woken up late in the afternoon by Hoseok screaming his name followed by the sound of the front door slamming. He stumbled out of the bedroom to meet Hoseok, who had bags of groceries hanging from both of his arms. Jimin went to help him carry them, but Hoseok pushed past him to the kitchen.

"I tripped on your shoes," Hoseok said. "How many times do I have to remind you to just put them on the rack when you take them off?"

While Hoseok proceeded to drop off the bags in the kitchen, Jimin apologized and collected the small pile of shoes, placing them carefully on the shoe rack alongside Hoseok's. As he finished up, his heart rate finally back to normal, Hoseok shouted his name again.

Jimin ruffled his hair as he made his way into the kitchen to find Hoseok gesturing towards the sink.

"You have to rinse the dishes before just leaving them in the sink," he said.

"I know," Jimin said. "I'm sorry."

"No. Look. There's-what even is this?-dried onto the plate."

"I think it's hot sauce."

"This isn't funny," Hoseok said. When he was really angry, his voice became low and eerily calm. There wasn't even a hint of humor in his eyes.

"I'm not laughing," Jimin said.

"I hope you were planning on scrubbing these clean, because I'm not fucking doing it."

"Of course I was going to clean them. What's the big deal? It's just some dishes."

"And the shoes."

"I put all the shoes away. Go look."

Hoseok turned to the bags on the counter and started sorting through them. "I believe you," he said, opening the fridge to put the milk and eggs away.

Jimin stood just outside the kitchen, watching Hoseok put everything neatly in its place. He folded his arms over his chest and willed his heart to stop racing. He wanted to be back in his bed, listening to the rain on the window, warm and safe and not anywhere near Hoseok. He couldn't stand it when Hoseok was in moods like this. They often came out of nowhere, and Jimin always took the brunt of it. With anyone else, he was his same old cheerful fake self.

"You just going to stand there and stare at me now?" Hoseok said.

"I'm waiting for you to be done so I can wash the dishes without getting in your way."

Hoseok huffed but didn't stop what he was doing. Jimin approached what was left, silently offering to help put everything away, but Hoseok waved a hand at him.

"I got it," Hoseok said. "Just stop getting in my way."

Jimin's heart pounded and his head throbbed. His hands shook at his sides and he felt his face getting hot.

"What is your problem today?" Jimin said.

"It's not just today," Hoseok said.

Jimin took a step closer to Hoseok. "What does that mean?"

"It means that it's the same shit every day. All you do is come home from work and leave your shoes everywhere for me to trip on, and then leave your crusty dishes in the sink. How hard is it to just rinse the food off? And then you just go to sleep and do it again."

Jimin hadn't even realized how much he'd been sleeping lately until Taehyung and Jungkook mentioned it. But they seemed to bring it up out of concern for Jimin's health while Hoseok only seemed inconvenienced.

"What difference does it make if I sleep?" Jimin said.

"Ah, don't do this."

"I'm serious, Hoseok. What difference does it make?"

"That's not the point."

Of course Jimin knew that it wasn't the point. But it was really all he could latch onto.

Hoseok finished putting the groceries away. He slowly ran a hand through his dripping hair. Jimin expected him to go into the bedroom to change out of his wet clothes, to leave him there alone to ruminate. Instead, he relaxed and leaned against the counter to face Jimin. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Maybe..." Hoseok said.

"What?" Jimin said. "Maybe what?"

"I don't know, Jimin. Maybe I just miss the way you were."

All the anger in Jimin's body melted away, replaced with something much worse, something unbearable. He was annoyed that all he seemed to do lately was fight back tears, but here he stood once again, trying not to cry.

"Are you fucking with me right now?" Jimin said, his voice cracking.

"No, I'm not fucking with you. You're so different now."

"Me?" Jimin squeaked, stepping forward and pointing at himself for emphasis. "I'm different? _Me_?"

Hoseok tilted his head to the side. "Ah, Jiminie, don't get angry."

"You're talking to her again." Jimin hadn't meant for it to come out like this, in the middle of a stupid fight that had nothing to do with her. He didn't realize what he'd said until he saw Hoseok's body relax, his hands reach out to grip the edge of the counter on either side of him.

Hoseok hung his head and sighed. "How did you find out?"

"Seriously?" Jimin gave up and let his tears roll down his cheeks. "That's what you have to say? Just how I found out?"

Hoseok looked up and met Jimin's eyes. "I don't know what happened to us, Jiminie. I can't figure out how to talk to you anymore."

"So instead of telling me, you just start talking to her?"

"She listens. She cares what I have to say. She's a really good friend."

"That's bullshit and you know it," Jimin said. "I have always listened. I have _always_ cared what you had to say."

"She just knows me."

" _I_ fucking know you, Hoseok." Images flashed through Jimin's mind. Hoseok breaking down crying, out of fear or sorrow or love. His moments of weakness and of vulnerability. All the wild declarations of love. "I know you."

"You're right."

"And I always want to listen. You just stopped talking."

"I know."

Jimin crouched down, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, crying so hard he choked. Hoseok took a knee and pulled Jimin's head to his chest. He rubbed his back.

"I was it, Hoseok," Jimin said between sobs. "I was it."

"You were, Jimin. I promise, at the time, you were."

* * *

One Saturday morning at the end of May, Hoseok was already awake when Jimin's alarm sounded for work. He was in the closet, on the left side where they kept the nicer clothes.

"What are you doing up?" Jimin asked. He sat up, decided against it, and flopped back down again.

"I have a graduation to go to," Hoseok said. He pulled a light blue shirt out of the closet and held it up against himself. "Do you think this is nice enough? It's outside."

"I love that shirt on you. I think it works."

"Thanks."

Jimin groaned as he got out of bed. "Who's graduating?"

"Hyerin's cousin. She specifically asked her if I'd come."

Jimin rolled his eyes. "Why would you go to Hyerin's extended family member's graduation ceremony?"

"I don't know, Jimin. She likes me and wants me there. We just got along."

Jimin didn't say anything as he pulled a pair of shorts and one of his work t-shirts out of the dresser drawer. He didn't want to start his day with a fight. He was tired.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Hoseok said, tucking his shirt in. "She literally called me an hour ago to tell me about it."

"She called you at six in the morning, after you didn't get home until after one last night, and you answered the phone."

Hoseok only smiled, completely dismissing Jimin. "Tucked in or not?"

Jimin pulled his own shirt on over his head. "Not," he said without looking.

Hoseok untucked the shirt and looked at himself in the mirror on the wall. "You're right."

Jimin went to the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth, grabbed his apron on the way out, and left for work without a word or even a glance in Hoseok's direction.

When he got home later that day, he took a long hot shower. He tried to push the thoughts of Hoseok and Hyerin out of his mind, but of course, the harder he tried, the more he thought about it. He pictured the two of them laughing together, sharing old jokes, touching each other out of old habit. After a while he stopped fighting it, and he let his mind wander to the worst possible scenarios, hoping that it would take some of the power away, but it had the opposite effect. His heart rate skyrocketed, his vision blurred, and bile rose in his throat.

He turned off the water and sat on the edge of the bathtub, trying to regulate his breathing. The water on his body mixed with his own sweat and he shivered. He reached for the towel he'd left on the closed toilet lid and wrapped it around his shoulders. The movement nauseated him.

"This is ridiculous," he said out loud to himself. "Just calm down, Jimin. Calm yourself."

Hearing his own voice echoing back off the tiles on the walls brought him back to the present.

When he felt strong enough to stand, he got dressed and sent a text message to Taehyung and Jungkook asking them to come over as soon as they could.

Jungkook was there with a half-full bottle of New Amsterdam before Taehyung even responded to the message. He asked no questions. They took shots until Taehyung arrived twenty minutes later.

As soon as he arrived, Jimin broke down, telling him where Hoseok had been all day, what he thought about in the shower, and how broken everything was. Taehyung nodded as he listened, barely through the door but not daring to interrupt Jimin. When he was finished, Taehyung put his arm around Jimin's shoulder and guided him to the kitchen.

"Have you eaten today?" Taehyung asked.

Jimin shook his head no. Jungkook reached for a paper towel and used it to wipe the snot from Jimin's face. He made an exaggerated disgusted face that made Jimin smile despite himself.

"Sorry," Jimin said. "No, I only had a smoothie when I got to work."

"Ten hours ago?" Taehyung said. He opened the freezer, found some pizza rolls, and dumped the whole bag onto a baking sheet before preheating the oven.

"I'm not hungry," Jimin said.

"That's too bad," Jungkook said. "You're eating anyway, so we can drink more."

"Don't tell him that," Taehyung said. "No more vodka for you."

"You're right," Jungkook said, making his way to the fridge. "Let's switch him to beer."

Taehyung nodded as if that were a sensible solution, then pointed a finger at Jungkook. "But not until he eats."

Jimin stumbled into his bedroom, flopped onto his bed and reached for his phone on the nightstand. There were three text messages from Hoseok but he didn't open them. Instead, he opened Instagram and saw a selfie Hoseok posted with Hyerin and a girl he assumed was Hyerin's cousin at the top of his feed.

"You see this shit?" he said out loud.

Taehyung and Jungkook's chatter from the kitchen suddenly stopped.

"You think they're fucking right now?" Jimin said. He double tapped the screen to like the photo before launching his phone across the room. Taehyung and Jungkook came running in. They each stood on either side of the bed, looking down at their drunk friend, not knowing what to say.

"Do you think?" Jimin said, turning over so he was lying on his back, looking at the ceiling.

Taehyung and Jungkook looked at each other, then back at Jimin, whose tears rolled silently down the sides of his face and onto the comforter.

After a beat, Taehyung turned around, searching the floor for the phone Jimin had thrown. He picked it up and looked at the screen.

"This is just an innocent photo, Jimin," Taehyung said. "They aren't even touching. I think it's okay." Jimin sniffled in response and Jungkook sat at the edge of the bed, squeezing Jimin's calf as an attempt at physical comfort. Jimin sighed, brought his hands up to his face, and visibly relaxed.

"You have texts from him here," Taehyung continued. "Don't you want to read them?"

Jimin shook his head.

"I'll just go ahead and read them, then."

"Do what you want," Jimin said.

Taehyung read the messages out loud. "'This family is kinda fucked,' with the laughing emoji."

"Does he think I care?" Jimin said.

Taehyung continued. "'They love me and I hate almost every single one of them.'"

"Seriously, who gives a shit," Jungkook said. He stopped massaging Jimin's leg, so Jimin sat up to grab his hand and put it back before flopping back down. He raised his eyes to look upside-down at Taehyung.

"What does the last one say?" Jimin asked.

"Are you ready?" Taehyung said. "It says, 'I've been talking to Hyerin about us and she slapped me, said I was being shitty to you and that it meant more because it came from someone I cheated on with you, and she made me realize how much I want us back, like we used to be. I know I haven't been there for you lately, and I'm truly sorry for that, and I want us to talk about it when I get home, if you're not angry at me, which I would understand if you were.'"

"For real?" Jimin said, sitting up. He reached for the phone, read the message, and wiped tears from his face with his wrist. He tried not to notice Taehyung and Jungkook exchanging glances over him.

"Okay," Jungkook said, "but why is he talking about you to Hyerin though?"

"Because he loves me," Jimin said. He wasn't sure if he believed it, but he repeated it, sent it out into the universe, trying to make it true. "He does. He loves me."

* * *

Taehyung and Jungkook excused themselves when Hoseok returned home so that he and Jimin could talk. Hoseok waved goodbye as they left, thanking them for taking care of his Jiminie, and closed the door behind them. He hesitated before turning to Jimin, who was leaning against the arm of the couch.

They stared at each other for a while. Jimin thought about what to say. Should he launch into a rant about the photo? About talking to Hyerin about their relationship? Should he play it cool and calmly ask how his day was? Or should he stay silent and wait for Hoseok's face-to-face apology?

He didn't have a chance to act or speak before Hoseok's body was pressed against his, his forehead to Jimin's, his hands on Jimin's hips, pulling him closer. They stayed like that for a beat, looking into each other's eyes. Jimin tried not to look as shocked and puzzled as he felt, but Hoseok did nothing to hide the desperation in his eyes.

Hoseok reached up with one hand to cup Jimin's face before kissing him softly on the lips. He wasn't going to kiss him back. He wasn't. But it had been so long since a kiss gave him butterflies that he just gave in. His hand found the back of Hoseok's neck and Hoseok leaned forward, wrapping one arm around Jimin's back and using the other hand to break their fall.

Jimin's back hit the couch and Hoseok's weight pressed him into the cushions. They kissed like they were starving, like both needed nothing else in the world but each other.

They didn't have a talk that night. They had sex until they both fell asleep, wrapped up in each other like they used to. In the middle of the night, Jimin woke up to the sound of Hoseok sniffling behind him. He rolled over to kiss the tears away.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok said, his voice raspy from sleep, and in response Jimin kissed him, long and deep.

They both took off work the following day and drove south until the gas light blinked. They spent the day in a new town, ate cheap Mexican food, and ended up in a hipster bar where they drank too much cherry-infused bourbon. They stumbled out, laughing, clinging to each other for support, and eventually woke up on the grass in a shady park.

Hoseok bolted to a trash can to vomit while Jimin watched, laughing despite the pounding in his head. Hoseok returned to the grass a minute later.

"I'm all empty," he said. He beamed at Jimin and offered his hand to help him up. "Let's go home."

It was another band-aid fix, and though he couldn't admit it to himself, Jimin knew it to be true.

They had a few good days before Hoseok closed himself up again. Jimin stopped trying to pry him open for fear of setting him off. They filled their time arguing about things that didn't matter until it tired them out and they patched it up with half-hearted sex.

Up until then, Jimin had never understood what people meant about going through the motions. They'd fight, fuck, and fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed. On two occasions, Jimin woke up in the morning on the wrong side of their bed and found Hoseok asleep on the couch, clutching his phone.

The first time, Jimin got ready for work quietly.

The second time, to keep from crying, he made as much noise as he could. Slamming doors. Throwing the pots and pans from the rack back into their cabinets. Then slamming the cabinets.

"Jimin, what the fuck," he heard Hoseok groan from the living room. He shuffled into the kitchen in his boxers and t-shirt, one hand in his hair, and one eye still shut.

"The fuck are you doing?" Hoseok said.

"Putting the dishes away." Jimin maintained eye contact with Hoseok as he grabbed a handful of silverware, opened the drawer, threw them in without sorting them, and slammed the drawer shut.

"It's too early for this," Hoseok said. He went to the drawer and opened it, and Jimin was out the door before Hoseok was done organizing.

He texted Taehyung and Jungkook before he clocked in, telling them to come for smoothies as soon as possible. As Jimin expected, Jungkook was there within half an hour. He ordered an "everything smoothie," which was something that absolutely did not exist, but Jimin's manager hadn't arrived yet, so he blended up a concoction of whatever he could find and presented it to Jungkook, garnished with a mint leaf.

"It's disgusting," Jungkook said. But he still drank nearly half before calling it.

Taehyung showed up an hour later, looking lost.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was sleeping but I got here as fast as I could." He leaned around Jungkook and took a gulp of his smoothie. His face immediately scrunched up in disgust.

"It's an everything smoothie," Jimin said.

"I made it up," Jungkook said, beaming with pride.

"So what's going on?" Taehyung said, eyes wide with concern. "Are things okay at home?"

Jimin leaned on the counter and looked past his friends to the ocean. The answer was obviously no, that things were not at all okay at home. But he'd never considered that Hoseok had become synonymous with home, and his stupid heart liked it.

He initially called his friends so he could vent to them, so he could explain exactly how things had gone to shit for him. But watching Taehyung narrow his eyes at the gray smoothie then take another tentative sip and swirl it around his mouth before making the exact same disgusted face and shaking his head, he realized he really had no desire to talk about it. He just didn't want to feel alone anymore.

Jimin smiled but rolled his eyes.

Jungkook walked down to the beach to start his shift after about an hour, but Taehyung stayed with Jimin for his whole shift. Taehyung walked Jimin to his car and wished him luck before Jimin drove home.

The apartment was empty and noticeably cleaner when Jimin got home. He went straight to the bathroom to shower. As he undressed, he noticed a folded note taped to the mirror. Drawn on the front was a silly stick-figure drawing of Hoseok with a heart-shaped mouth and his hands folded in front of his chest.

He remembered the drawing in the snow.

He didn't open the note.

He thought about it while he was in the shower, even peeking out once to watch it flap open as a wave of steam hit it. What was he even angry about? That his boyfriend slept on the couch? He laughed to himself as he let the hot water wash over him. It wasn't a good enough reason to throw silverware and bang pots and pans at seven in the morning.

He finished up and dried off before reading the note.

_I don't know what this morning was about but I cleaned the whole house and did your laundry (even put it away for you) so please love me again._

He read the note again as he walked across the hall to the bedroom, then dropped it on his pillow before flopping onto the bed to catch up on social media. Hoseok had posted a video to his Snapchat story. Suddenly Hyerin was on his screen, sitting at a bar and laughing, sipping a colorful drink and trying to hide her face from the camera. From the angle, it appeared that Hoseok was behind the bar, and the video was shaky as if he were laughing.

"Don't be shy."

And then the video ended.

Jimin replayed it ten times.

 _Don't be shy. Don't be shy._ The low, seductive voice he heard for the first time in the arcade by the claw machine. _Don't be shy. Don't be shy._ That was flirting, wasn't it? _Don't be shy._ Was he looking over the bar at her with soft eyes the way he used to look at Jimin? _Don't be shy. Don't be shy._

Did she just show up? Was she with friends?

_Don't be shy._

Did he ask her to come in? There was nobody sitting on either side of her.

_Don't be shy. Don't be shy._

She was there alone. Alone with Hoseok.

_Don't b-_

The eleventh time Jimin played the video, he felt bile rise in his throat. A knot twisted in his stomach and he closed the app, locked his phone, and dropped it on the floor before stumbling back to the bathroom.

The mirror was still fogged up. He didn't want to look at himself anyway. He knelt on the cold tile floor and tried to physically swallow the panic.

He was glad his stomach was empty.

After a while, he made his way back to the bedroom, got dressed and turned on the TV in an attempt to distract himself. He picked his phone up from the floor and called Taehyung. He didn't answer, so he called again. Still nothing. The TV couldn't keep his attention so he switched to music, but every song on every playlist reminded him of Hoseok, so he turned it off.

Jimin sat in silence, imagining Hoseok looking cool behind the bar, shamelessly flirting with Hyerin as she grew more intoxicated with the drinks he poured her, and her reaching across the bar to playfully hit his arm. He pictured the two of them laughing together, leaning over the two feet of wood between them.

He ran to the bathroom, pulling his shirt off as he went, because he was sure his clothing was suffocating him. He leaned over the sink and choked, half expecting to vomit. When his breathing started to return to normal and his nausea subsided, he allowed himself to look at his reflection. His eyes were red and swollen, his cheeks wet, his lips dry.

This was a face nobody could love.

He understood it now, looking at this pathetic man in the mirror. The reality of the situation hit him so hard it felt as though it had been a part of him all along.

Hoseok didn't love him. Hoseok wouldn't ever love him again.

Jimin's anxiety subsided until he felt empty. He stared at the mirror and did not recognize the person he saw there. The eyelids flickered. The mouth hung open, a string of saliva falling from the bottom lip. He wiped at his mouth and watched the hand in the mirror, then looked down at it as if it were someone else's, someone unwelcome.

He took a deep breath, washed his face, and went to the kitchen where he took three consecutive whiskey shots. It hit him all at once, a few minutes later, and he took the bottle to the couch, where he sat unmoving, with a news program showing unwatched on the TV, until Hoseok returned home, an hour later than usual, and a little buzzed.

It had gotten dark around Jimin and his bottle. Hoseok took one look at him and knew better than to turn the light on.

"Ah, Jimin," Hoseok said, trying to sound cheerful. "What happened?"

"It was a cute video," Jimin slurred, staring straight ahead. "The one you posted. It was cute."

"She came in for dinner," Hoseok said. He stepped out of his shoes and bent down to put them on the rack.

Hoseok moved slowly through the darkness and sat on the couch beside Jimin. He leaned in for a kiss and Jimin turned his head away.

"You're still mad about this, huh?" Hoseok said.

Jimin wilted. No, he wasn't mad. He was jealous, betrayed, and heartbroken, but he was never mad. Hoseok lifted Jimin's chin with his index finger and tried to meet his gaze, but Jimin squeezed his eyes shut.

"What's going on with you?" Hoseok asked. His tone was genuine.

Jimin said nothing for a long time. He tried to focus on the news anchor's voice to keep himself tied to the present. Hoseok kept his finger under Jimin's chin until he was ready to speak.

"I'm scared," Jimin said quietly.

"What are you scared of?"

Jimin opened his eyes and Hoseok gave a little reassuring smile. "Losing you," he said.

The smile on Hoseok's face faded to a frown. His lip twitched with an emotion Jimin could not identify. He let his hand fall to Jimin's knee and kissed Jimin's forehead.

"I owe you the truth," Hoseok said. Jimin eyed the bottle on the table. "I don't know what happened to us."

It was quiet for a long time. Jimin knew the television was on, that it was sending soft flashes of light through the room, that there were voices he could tune into if this became unbearable, which he knew was coming. But for the life of him he couldn't focus on anything but the bottle on the table, the sound of Hoseok's breath near his ear, and the heaviness of the air in the room.

"I've been talking to Hyerin about what I should do," Hoseok said.

The sound of her name from his boyfriend's lips struck Jimin like a punch to his stomach.

"I think that," Hoseok continued, "what I need out of a relationship, I'm not getting that with you."

Jimin pulled his gaze away from the bottle and looked tearfully at Hoseok.

"What do you need then? What am I not giving you? Let me know, so I can be that. So I can change and be what you need. Please."

"That's not how it works, Jiminie. I wish it was, but it's not."

"I don't want to lose you, Hoseok. I really fucking don't."

Jimin waited for an embrace that didn't come. He waited to be told that everything was going to be okay, that they were going to work it out and be fine, that he was loved, that he was it.

"I'm so sorry," Hoseok said. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Then don't."

"It's not that easy."

"Yes it is!" Jimin cried, his voice cracking. "It is." He allowed himself to cry deep sobs that shook him and made it hard for him to breathe.

"Okay, Jimin," Hoseok cooed, gathering Jimin into his arms. "Okay." Jimin cried into Hoseok's chest for a full commercial break.

"Have you eaten?" Hoseok said. Jimin sniffled and shook his head. "Let me make you something?"

"No," Jimin choked. "It's late and you worked, and you must be tired-"

"Shh," Hoseok said. "Stay right here, okay? I'm going to make you something."

Hoseok left the room and returned twenty minutes later, freshly showered and holding a plate of fried rice for Jimin, who wiped his nose on the back of his hand and accepted the food. Hoseok sat on the floor and leaned his back against the couch. It was silent as Jimin ate. He wanted to speak, and several times paused his chewing as if he were going to say something, but each time he seemed to think better of it and stay silent. He felt pathetic, crying and eating and avoiding eye contact, but there wasn't anything he could have done or said to make the situation better. He understood that.

As Jimin finished up, Hoseok leaned his head back so Jimin could look at his face. He rested like that, his eyes closed, and stayed there for so long Jimin wondered if he might've fallen asleep. After watching him breathe for a while, Jimin decided that he was still awake, but that it hardly mattered at all.

They went to bed. Hoseok spooned Jimin as usual, which Jimin found as comforting as it was cruel. He kept himself awake as long as he could, trying to memorize the exact feeling of Hoseok behind him, holding him tight, knowing this was going to be the last time Hoseok held him like this.

After an hour, Jimin turned to face Hoseok, who was sound asleep. He stared for a long time, committing this peaceful image of Hoseok to memory, before waking him up with a kiss on the lips.

"I think I can't take this anymore," Jimin said.

"I know," Hoseok said, his voice rough with sleep. "I'm sorry."

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

Hoseok's lip twitched and his eyes filled with tears.

"You always have been," Jimin continued.

"I swear, Jimin," Hoseok pleaded. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. You, of all people."

"Then why post the video?"

Hoseok choked on a sob and sniffled. "I just needed you to end it."

"You fucking coward."

"Yeah, okay?" Hoseok said. "Yeah. I am."

"I wasn't ever anything, was I?"

"Jimin, listen to me." He reached out and took Jimin's face in his hands. "You were it. I meant everything I ever told you, when I said it."

"You were always thinking of her."

"I wasn't."

"I never meant anything to you. Nothing real."

"I just said I meant everything I ever told you. I never lied to you."

Jimin laughed without humor.

"Feelings change, Jimin."

"Yeah, well. Apparently they don't."

"I'm sorry," Hoseok said. "It's Hyerin. It's always been Hyerin."

"What about when it was me?"

"Stop this, please. I already told you-"

"How can you say you meant everything you ever said to me," Jimin said, "and then in the same breath tell me it's always been her?"

"I don't _know,_ Jimin."

"Well what do you know?"

"Nothing, okay?" Hoseok snapped. "I know nothing."

Satisfied, Jimin turned over to lie on his back. He stared at the ceiling and felt Hoseok staring at him.

"If you're gonna go off and be with her," Jimin finally said, "treat her right this time."

"You know nothing about how we were."

"You're right. The only thing I know is that you snuck around behind her back."

"Oh, stop."

"And you snuck around with her behind mine."

"Alright, Jimin."

"See the pattern?"

Hoseok sat up and looked down at Jimin. "I see the fucking pattern."

"Don't fuck it up this time, is all I'm saying," Jimin said. "If she's taking you back, don't fuck it up."

Hoseok took a deep breath and looked ahead. "I'm going to really try not to."

Jimin looked at Hoseok's back and fought the urge to touch his skin. "She's a good girl, okay? And she doesn't deserve the shit you put her through."

Hoseok sighed and hung his head. "I know."

"What you do, it cuts fucking deep, Hoseok."

"I know."

"And if she's willing-"

"I know, I know," Hoseok said. "For fuck's sake, Jimin. I know."

For a long time they stayed like that, in the dark, Hoseok sitting up with his back to Jimin, occasionally sniffling or wiping his tears with his fingers, and Jimin lying beside him, too exhausted to cry.

Jimin broke the silence.

"I'm going to be staying at Taehyung's from now on."

"Okay."

"We're done."

"Okay."

_**summer** _

Jimin slithered through the crowd. Thankfully, the music was loud enough to drown out his thoughts. The bar was in sight, and Jimin could see the bartenders hustling to serve drinks to increasingly rowdy partiers. The first weekend of summer always looked the same, sounded the same, and smelled the same, though the faces changed year to year.

When he got close enough, he waved his hand and flashed his best smile at the first bartender who looked in his direction. She was middle-aged and heavily made up, and Jimin had become friendly with her since he and Hoseok visited this bar so frequently last summer. She beamed at him and waved him towards a less crowded area.

"Good to see you," she shouted over the noise. "What'll you have?"

"Three shots of Jameson, please."

She winked and nodded. While she poured, Jimin looked around at the crowd for familiar faces. It was unlikely he'd see anyone he knew since it was such a popular tourist spotl. As he looked out at the crowd of strangers, he was grateful.

Jimin paid the bartender and tipped her well before balancing all three shots on one hand and sliding through the crowd, back to Taehyung and Jungkook, who were dancing like nerds. Jimin couldn't help but laugh as he passed them each a shot. They danced together, goofy and unashamed of it.

It was the first time Jimin let himself have fun since he broke up with Hoseok.

After a few songs, Jimin excused himself to go to the restroom after promising that he'd return with another round of shots (and a Malibu Bay Breeze, at Taehyung's insistence).

He danced through the crowd, smiling at strangers as they made room for him. He finished and stood at the sink to wash his hands next to a kid who was probably underage. He smiled at Jimin in the mirror. Jimin smiled and winked, and the kid blushed, turned off the water, and left the bathroom without drying his hands. Jimin laughed to himself and shook the excess water off his hands before turning around.

He didn't expect Hoseok to be standing there between him and the paper towel dispenser, holding some out to him with a big, innocent, heart-shaped grin on his face.

But there he was.

Jimin's heart pounded against his rib cage. He couldn't tell if it was because he was startled or because he was hopelessly in love.

Either way, he wanted desperately to avoid him. He ignored Hoseok's outstretched hand and pushed past him to get his own paper towel. It was juvenile, and he knew that as he did it, but it was already too late.

When his hands were dry, he turned to leave. But Hoseok had placed himself between Jimin and the door.

"Hi, Jimin," he said.

Jimin forced a smile. "Hi."

Hoseok's grin faltered but returned quickly and stronger than ever.

"How have you been?" Hoseok said.

Jimin wanted to tell him the truth. He wanted to say that he hadn't had a full night's sleep or finished a whole meal since the day he left. He wanted to say that he thought about Hoseok constantly, and that when he did sleep, he dreamt of him, and there was no relief. He wanted to say that his heart that had been held together with empty promises and hope, had finally given up and let itself shatter.

"I've been okay," he said. "How are you?"

"Really good," Hoseok said, and Jimin could tell he meant it because he felt it like a knife in his chest.

"Good to hear," Jimin said. "I have to go now. Kook and Tae are waiting for the shots I promised them."

"Sure," Hoseok said. He moved aside to let Jimin pass, but as Jimin opened the door, he felt a hand on his wrist and stopped. "Jimin, wait."

Jimin turned around to face Hoseok. His smile had completely faded away, though his eyes still looked genuinely happy.

"I want you to know something," Hoseok said, holding eye contact.

Jimin waited, saying nothing.

"I wanted to let you know," Hoseok said, "that you gave me a really good year."

"Is that all?" Jimin said, trying not to look too relieved.

"I want us to be okay."

"I wanted that, too, Hoseok."

As usual, Hoseok's face betrayed no emotion. He looked down at his hand and let go of Jimin's wrist quickly, as if he'd forgotten he was still holding it.

"Alright, Jiminie, I won't keep you from your friends. It was good to see you, though."

"Yeah, you too."

But they stood, face to face, unmoving and unsure of what to do. Even when Jimin had packed up his things and left, he'd thrown himself into Hoseok's arms before getting into his car and driving off.

"Come here," Hoseok said, opening his arms. Instinctually, Jimin stepped into Hoseok's embrace and inhaled deeply until someone opened the door and they had to part ways. Not another word was said. Jimin looked over his shoulder once and Hoseok flashed him a peace sign before the door closed.

As he made his way through the crowd back to the bar, he tried to listen to the music. He tried to pay attention to the faces of everyone he passed. Anything to distract him from the hope that fluttered in his belly.

_You gave me a really good year._

He had no idea what that meant. It couldn't actually be true, could it? He tried not to think about it. He tried not to hold onto hope.

His friends and alcohol helped. He didn't tell them that he'd run into Hoseok in the bathroom, mostly because it was too loud to actually talk, and Taehyung would want to know exactly what was said, and _how_ it was said. But it was better this way. They had fun.

All at once, everyone around them shifted their focus in one direction. There was some commotion at the other side of the bar. Jungkook noticed first and nudged Taehyung, who stopped the ridiculous hand dance he was doing to look where Jungkook pointed. They both stood perfectly still.

"What's going on?" Jimin said. He turned around and his stomach dropped.

Hyerin stood on the bar, dancing and singing along to whatever song was playing as the crowd cheered her on. A moment after Jimin turned, Hoseok jumped up in one swift motion to join her. They danced for a chorus, then he spun her around and danced behind her.

He took a knee and everyone screamed. Hyerin finally turned around, eyes closed as she passionately sang a high note.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jimin said. He stumbled through the crowd. It was easier now, since everyone was standing still watching the show. He glanced up as Hyerin opened her eyes and broke into hysterical laughter at the sight of Hoseok kneeling on the bar with a ring in his hands.

Jimin made it to the opposite end of the bar and slammed his hand down repeatedly until the bartender turned in his direction. Her smile vanished upon seeing Jimin drunk and hysterical. She'd seen him here with Hoseok many times. She understood and poured him three shots before he even had a chance to ask.

He didn't look back up. The cheering told him that she'd said yes, and he was probably kissing her right now, and he didn't want to see. He took one of the shots and took out his wallet. The bartender shook her head. He took the other two with barely a breath in between them and bumped into Taehyung as he tried to leave.

The lines between the wooden planks that made up the boardwalk seemed to twist into each other. The horizon wobbled.

He was fucked up.

He hopped the fence and fell a good distance onto the sand where he promptly vomited. The chill in the air sobered him up just enough that he could stand upright. He must have fallen down at least six times before he reached the water.

"Jimin!"

He ignored Taehyung's voice behind him and stood looking out at the black ocean. His throat hurt but he didn't know if it was from wailing or from being sick. He tangled his hands in his hair and screamed as loud as he could, falling to his knees and letting the ice cold waves wash over his legs.

Suddenly there were hands under his arms and his best friend's calming voice.

"Jimin, Jimin, Jimin," Taehyung said quickly. "Please stand up. Can you stand up? Kook!"

Then he was lifted into the air, cradled like a baby, and carried away from the sea.

"He knew I was there," Jimin whined.

"He wouldn't do that," Taehyung said. "If he knew you were there, there's no way he would've done that."

"He knew," Jimin repeated, curling into Jungkook's chest.

"If he did know," Jungkook said, "then that's fucked up. Also, really trashy. Imagine proposing in a bar on the boardwalk?"

"We talked," Jimin mumbled. "Put me down,. I have to throw up."

Jungkook did as he was told, and Jimin knelt in the sand and vomited until his stomach was empty, then fell onto his side and cried.

"Did you say that you talked?" Jungkook said.

Jimin nodded. "In the bathroom. We talked. He knew I was there and he still did that. He knew."

Taehyung knelt beside him and rubbed his back. Jungkook knelt on the other side of Jimin and started brushing sand, tears, and vomit off his face.

"He _knew,_ " Jimin repeated.

"I know," Taehyung said. "I know. Let's get you home and cleaned up, okay?" Taehyung looked up at Jungkook, who nodded before scooping Jimin back up and carrying him off.

Taehyung kicked some sand over the puddle Jimin left, then shrugged and followed them back to the boardwalk, past the bar and the screaming people, through the echoes of fireworks on nearby streets and the muffled sounds of parties in fancy summer homes.

* * *

At first, Jimin texted Hoseok often to ask how he and Hyerin were doing and at first Hoseok responded to every message quickly and with the same fake cheer Jimin witnessed every time Hoseok interacted with strangers in the restaurant. But it was all he had. It was better than nothing.

After a few weeks, the responses came later and later, and eventually Hoseok stopped responding at all. Jimin felt no shame sending two or three unanswered messages in a row. On one drunken occasion, he sent 18 messages, all riddled with typos, explaining how fine he was, and how over it he was, how he never even thought of Hoseok anymore. Hoseok responded the next morning.

_you're kind of depressing, jiminie._

Jimin deleted Hoseok's number, and a day later, deleted the text thread and blocked him on all social media.

In moments of weakness, he'd unblock Hoseok just to look at recent posts. He knew he shouldn't, and he always regretted it as he sat on Taehyung's bathroom floor hugging his knees to his chest and fighting nausea with deep breaths.

It was in one of these moments that he saw the official public announcement of Hoseok's engagement. It was a photo of Hyerin with her hand on Hoseok's chest to show off the ring, both laughing with their mouths open.

They looked happy.

Jimin stared at the photo until his hands started shaking. He took a deep breath and a screenshot, sent it to Taehyung who was in the next room, then stuck his phone in his pocket and ran through the hall, down the stairs and out the front door. Taehyung often left his bike leaning up against the side of the house behind the bushes, and Jimin was thankful when he found it there.

He pedaled as fast as he could and tried to focus on the feeling of the wind in his hair and billowing his shirt.

 _Hoseok looked so happy_.

He tried to push the image from his mind by pedaling harder.

_There was a time when I made him smile like that._

Jimin clenched his teeth and rode faster until he ran out of land. He let the bike fall onto the sand and ran down the beach towards the jetty. It was dark out, and he had no idea what time it was, or where on the beach he ended up, until his foot collided with a boulder. He stumbled forward and broke his fall with his hands.

He took off his shoes and socks and made his way to the end of the jetty, dizzy and out-of-breath. When he got to the place where he and Hoseok fell asleep watching the sun rise, he finally let himself stop.

He'd run out of earth. He had nowhere left to go.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and placed it carefully on the flat concrete under his feet before moving to the edge of the rocks and looking down into the churning black ocean beneath him.

The air was warm, and had been warm for a few days now, but the spray coming off the water still felt icy as it landed on his skin. He ran a hand through his hair, which was knotted and messy from the bike ride. It wasn't until he caught his breath that he realized he'd been crying. He squatted down and sobbed until he couldn't anymore.

He and Hoseok had broken up but his father hadn't invited him back home. Taehyung always listened, but he just didn't have anything left to say about it anymore. Hoseok was in love with someone else.

Hoseok was in love with someone else.

Jimin repeated it out loud, his voice sounding tiny compared with the roaring ocean surrounding him. "Hoseok is in love with someone else." Hearing himself, he was brought back to the present. His phone was ringing behind him.

He kept his eyes on the water and imagined it coming up to meet him, wrapping first his feet, then his legs, his groin, his torso, and finally his head in its icy embrace. He felt it like a hug, and he heard Hoseok's breaths like the tide, and he thought of Hoseok's body roll the night they first met in the arcade, and how he'd move when they fucked, gentle like waves far from the shore, rising in intensity as he loved hard, and thrusted harder, and finally came like a wave breaking on the beach.

Jimin's phone rang again.

He ignored it in favor of watching the moon's fragmented reflection on the water, dancing and playing like Hoseok's hands on his body. He lost his balance and half expected to feel the shock of cold water as it engulfed him, but instead his knees hit the hard rock. Ocean spray splattered his already tear-soaked face.

He sat back and hugged his knees to his chest as he reached behind him for his phone.

He had two missed calls from Taehyung. He took a deep breath and called back. It didn't even ring before he heard Taehyung's voice.

"Where did you go?"

"I need you to talk me down," Jimin blurted.

"Are you at the rocks? Why?"

"I can't do this. I'm not strong enough."

On the other end of the phone, Taehyung was breathing heavily. "What happened?"

"Everyone knows now. Everyone saw it and it's humiliating."

"I'm coming, okay? Just don't move. And don't hang up."

Jimin looked out at the rough water and listened to his friend's labored breaths through the phone. It calmed him down. He put it on speakerphone and held it close to his ear, letting the white noise of air rushing into Taehyung's microphone overpower the sound of the waves.

"Are you running?" Jimin asked.

"Yeah. I don't have the car."

Jimin sniffled and wiped his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

"And someone stole my bike," Taehyung added.

Jimin didn't want to smile, but he couldn't help it. He almost laughed, too. He slowly stood up and looked down at the waves crashing against the rock on which he stood. He spit into the water then shifted his gaze upward, seeing the whole ocean before him. The waves far away looked soft and calm.

He longed to be there.

Jimin swallowed the lump in his throat, took a deep breath to quell his nausea, and stepped backwards, to safety, away from the edge of the jetty. He was safe here. He tried to focus on the sound of his friend running to him, but before long his thoughts faded back to the photo of Hoseok and Hyerin, looking as happy as ever.

His stomach sank and his heart pounded. He felt lightheaded. The sound of Taehyung's voice calling his name faded as if it were getting further away. He must have been close to the water. His voice grew more desperate.

All at once, the noises around Jimin were hushed.

He made his way back to the edge with whatever strength he had left. His thoughts found Hoseok once again, and he imagined his arms around someone else, keeping someone else warm. He knew exactly how Hyerin felt now, safely ensconced in Hoseok's embrace.

His phone fell from his hand and he might've heard it hit the ground over the sound of Taehyung's sneakers slapping the wet rock. Jimin didn't turn his head to watch his friend stumble across the uneven terrain towards him.

"Jimin!" Taehyung's voice strained to be heard over the sound of the roaring wind and the rushing water. But Jimin didn't hear it. He knew that the panic had reached its peak. He knew he was going down. With his very last ounce of energy, he spun around, turning his back to the ocean as he frantically looked to Taehyung for help.

The image of Taehyung blurred, and his shout sounded more like a whimper. Suddenly Jimin found himself swaying as the wind picked up.

The sound of the ocean became quieter until it was completely silent, as if he were dreaming again, and floating above it, getting higher and higher.

And then, unimaginable cold.

Pain in every part of Jimin's body.

The shock made it hard for him to move so he let himself go, let himself sink a little, before he lost consciousness.

* * *

Jimin woke up lying on the sand, shivering and soaking wet. He choked and spat out salty water, then slowly opened his eyes. Taehyung sat beside him, leaning over to make sure he was alright.

"Are you okay?" Taehyung said.

"Did I pass out?" Jimin answered. It hurt his throat to speak.

"You must have. What do you remember?"

"I got dizzy-ah." He stopped and put his hand on his throat to indicate that he was in pain.

"Okay," Taehyung said. "Let's get you home."

"Don't tell my mother," he croaked.

Taehyung shushed him. "Let's not do anything until you're home, okay?"

"Call Hoseok."

"Absolutely not. No. You're not his anymore."

Jimin sat up and pushed wet hair off his forehead. He finally got a good look at Taehyung and saw that he, too, was soaking wet and shivering.

"Stay right here, okay?" Taehyung said. "I'm going to get our phones and call Jungkook to get us."

Jimin nodded and curled up, trying to keep himself warm. By the time Taehyung returned to shore, Jungkook was already there, standing outside of his parked car, scanning the beach looking for them. Taehyung helped Jimin to his feet as Jungkook spotted them and made his way over to help.

"Thanks for being there," Jimin said to Taehyung.

"I'm always going to be there," Taehyung said.

"Thank you for saving me."

"I'm always going to save you."

"Well, thank you. Truly."

"I need you to stop giving me the opportunity to, though."

Jimin laughed despite himself, and that's when Jungkook arrived at his side and scooped him up to carry him to the car.

And that was it. Rock bottom.

_**autumn** _

"It's time for a change," Taehyung said. "Your roots look terrible. Look better, feel better."

"Don't hold back, Tae," Jimin said, rolling his eyes. "Say what you mean."

Taehyung scanned the wall of hair dyes in the beauty section of Walmart.

"Do you want to go darker or lighter?" he said, ignoring Jimin.

"I don't care."

Jimin thought about it. He had been looking pretty rough lately, with his dingy faded orange hair and black roots, the dark circles under his eyes, and the nearly twenty pounds he'd lost that he really couldn't afford to lose. And he knew that in his own way Taehyung was trying to help, and that he wouldn't leave Jimin alone until he let him dye his hair.

"Dark, then," Taehyung said decisively. "That way you don't have to worry about the upkeep."

"No," Jimin said. "It was dark when I met him."

"So what?"

"So I want it to be different now."

"You have to stop letting him run your life, Jimin."

"How am I letting him run my life, exactly?"

"You can't plan your hair around a boy that doesn't care about you."

"Tae, I love you but you need to shut the hell up."

"I know it sounds dumb but I'm serious."

"I'm serious too, though. You go through a breakup, you drastically change your hair. It's just what you do."

"You've gone through breakups before and didn't do that."

"This one's different and you know it."

Taehyung looked away. "I don't, but okay."

"Why are you being like this? You're the one who asked dark or light."

"I just think he still has too much power over you."

"I only said I didn't want to go dark, in response to the question you asked, and you took it as an invitation to-"

"Let's just drop it, okay?"

"No," Jimin snapped. "You've never put yourself out there so you have no idea what it's like to get your heart broken, and you still think you can stand here and lecture me in Walmart."

"Ouch."

"Have you ever even spoken to Namjoon? All these years drooling over him and he has no idea you even like him."

Jimin stared at his friend who refused to meet his eyes. Instead, he stuck his hands in his pockets and bent down to look at the bleach kits.

"You want to go straight-up blonde then?" Taehyung said.

Jimin was sorry, but didn't want to call more attention to his mistake. "Yeah. Let's just do blonde."

Taehyung selected a box, turned it over to read the back, and stood to his full height. He looked down at the floor for a beat, then at Jimin.

"That was mean," Taehyung said quietly. "But I'll forgive you because you're sad."

"I'm sorry," Jimin said. "It came out wrong."

"Shut up. Let's go."

Taehyung shook the box so its contents rattled inside, then headed for the checkout counter.

* * *

"Why is it so awkward in here?" Jungkook said, balancing two pizzas on his arm while sliding a 12-pack of beer into the fridge.

"You've been here for a total of twenty seconds," Taehyung said.

Jungkook made his way across the kitchen to the table, where he put the pizzas down. He opened one of the boxes and helped himself to a slice.

"That's plenty of time to detect awkwardness," Jungkook said.

Jimin shifted uncomfortably on his folding chair in the middle of the room and looked up at Taehyung, who was mixing bleach in a bowl and paused to raise an eyebrow at Jimin.

"We had a little moment in the Walmart," Taehyung said.

Jimin looked down at his hands. He felt Jungkook and Taehyung share a look over his head and rolled his eyes. He was sick of them never knowing what to say or how to act around him. He was sick of everyone walking on eggshells around him, feeling sorry for him, or trying to explain away his small but frequent outbursts. He loved them more than anything, and he knew they were in an awkward position. But he just wanted to be heard, to be understood, to be validated.

Nobody spoke for a bit while Jungkook tried to connect his phone to the bluetooth speaker on the counter.

"Kook," Jimin said. "When you get that figured out, grab me a beer."

Music finally started playing and Jungkook brought him the beer he requested with a little reassuring pat on the shoulder. Jimin smiled and cracked it open, taking a sip before letting it rest on his knee. He took a deep breath and listened to the music. He enjoyed the feeling of Taehyung's hands in his hair, and was lulled by the rhythmic sound his fingers near his ears and the gentle rocking of his head.

Before long his mind wandered to the sea, to memories of him floating on his back, gently rocked by the waves, with Hoseok's hand in his. He could almost taste the salt on his lips. He thought of sex in the evening, the taste of sweat and the sea on Hoseok's skin, in Hoseok's cum, and in Hoseok's tears, as if there had been too much ocean in him and it couldn't help spilling out. Hoseok had paused to look him in the eye, mid-fuck, and tearfully tell Jimin, "You just feel so fucking _real_ ," before the tears spilled onto his cheeks, and Jimin pulled him closer and they came together.

What was Jimin even upset about, really? He'd never felt emotion like that before. It was raw and it was beautiful, and no matter what, he would always have that moment. His time with Hoseok was a fucking whirlwind. Nothing in the world could have kept that momentum going. He smiled to himself.

Jungkook suddenly laughed loudly and Jimin snapped back to the present. He turned around to look at Taehyung, whose gloved hand was frozen just above his head as if he were paralyzed. Jungkook laughed louder and Taehyung's eyes widened and his mouth hung open.

"I just touched my hair," Taehyung said. "Fuck."

Jimin snorted.

"Maybe the bleach will just wash out and nothing will happen," Jungkook offered.

Taehyung looked down at Jimin, then across the room at Jungkook who sat himself on the floor.

"Or maybe it'll look cool," Jungkook continued.

Taehyung shrugged and shifted his focus back to Jimin.

"You okay?" Taehyung asked.

Jimin paused and looked down at the beer in his hands. He planted his feet firmly on the floor and straightened his back.

"Guys," Jimin said, fighting back a smile. He paused, looking from Taehyung to Jungkook then back again.

"I don't know," he said. "I just feel fine."

Jungkook flashed him a smile so wide that his big eyes disappeared into little crescents. Taehyung patted his shoulder.

"You need pizza," Jungkook said a bit too loud. "I got half meatball for you."

Jungkook rose to his feet and tore Jimin a slice of pizza, then danced over to him. Jimin accepted it happily.

He was starving.

* * *

Jimin stood in front of the bathroom mirror, toweling his hair while Taehyung attempted to wash the bleach out of his.

"I'm just a fool," Taehyung said, his voice reverberating against the tile walls of the shower.

"Don't say that," Jimin said, trying not to laugh.

"Kook said it might look cool. So maybe."

Jimin knew for a fact that it wouldn't. "Yeah, maybe." After a beat, he said, "It's too bad beach season is over. Namjoon wouldn't be able to handle all that cool."

"You're being mean again." Taehyung turned off the water and reached his arm out for a towel.

Jimin threw him the one he'd been using and left to give him some privacy. Jungkook was sitting on the bed playing a video game, so Jimin lay down on his stomach beside him and watched the screen.

Taehyung came back minutes later, completely naked, with the towel draped over his head like a hood. He stood in the doorway for a few seconds, waiting for his friends to notice him.

Jimin sensed Taehyung staring at him and nudged Jungkook to pause the game.

"It doesn't look cool," Taehyung said when he had their attention. He went over to a pile of clothes in the corner of the room and fished out a pair of boxers, gave them a sniff, then a second sniff to clear up any doubts, and pulled them on.

Jimin reached out to pull the towel off his friend's head, revealing the splotch of blonde right at the front. Jimin threw the towel at Taehyung and burst out laughing.

"Okay, so you're still being mean then," Taehyung said, laughing despite himself.

Jungkook snorted and opened his mouth to speak but Taehyung cut him off.

"If you don't have anything nice to say," he said, "then shut up."

Jungkook grinned in response.

* * *

Jimin kicked off the blanket but with Taehyung's arm and leg draped over him, it barely made a difference. Maybe the night was warmer than usual, or maybe it was the extra body heat from Jungkook who lay asleep on the floor next to the bed.

Jimin squirmed. He was sweaty. He was uncomfortable. He needed a few inches of personal space.

The movement woke Taehyung.

"You okay?" he said.

"Yes," Jimin whispered. "Move over. It's hot."

Taehyung obliged by rolling over onto the other side of the bed.

The air on Jimin's exposed skin felt refreshing. He still wasn't comfortable, but he could deal with it. He looked around the room, then rolled to peek at Jungkook, whose face was half-covered by the blanket Jimin flung away. Jimin smiled as he laid his head back down.

He listened to the sound of his friends' breathing and the ticking of the clock and thought about breakfast. He wondered idly whether or not Taehyung's parents had gone food shopping, what was in the house, and if there were enough eggs for all three of them. Probably not. Maybe, if he never fell asleep, he'd get up early and go to the store to buy lots of food and make it for them before they woke up.

He wondered why he wasn't tired, why he wasn't restless, why he was content to lie still and look at the dark line where the ceiling met the wall. He tried to look at the indistinct shapes of objects in the darkness and guess what they were, but gave up after a few minutes when he focused on at least fifteen shapes and was only able to accurately identify the clock on the wall, the square clock that's been on the same wall for as long as Jimin knew Taehyung, the only fixture that never moved. And he wondered when the last time someone cleaned it was. He made a mental note to check in the morning.

He lay still for a long while and caught himself not minding the solitude, not minding being alone with his thoughts on another sleepless night.

He propped himself up on his elbow and turned his body towards Taehyung, then whispered his name until he woke up.

Taehyung reached out into the darkness, searching for Jimin and finally placing a hand on his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" Taehyung asked, lifting his head.

Jimin smiled at his concern.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jimin said.

At that point Jimin realized he hadn't actually prepared a question and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh.

"What the hell is it? Are you broken?"

"No, I'm good. I'm good. I just want to know, when was the last time you cleaned your clock?"

Taehyung let his head fall back onto his pillow and sighed.

"Is that, like, a sex thing?" he asked.

Jimin heard Jungkook snort from his spot on the floor.

"No, I mean the actual clock. When was the last time you dusted it?"

"God dammit, Jimin," Taehyung said, no longer keeping his voice down since Jungkook was already awake.

"Who cleans it?"Jimin persisted.

"I have no idea."

"So it's not you?"

"I've never touched that thing. The time probably isn't even right."

"So is it your mom?" Jungkook said.

"I guess if it's anyone, it would be my mom, yeah."

"Okay," Jimin said.

"Is that it?" Taehyung asked.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Go to sleep, Jimin."

"Yup. Good night."

Taehyung rolled back over and seemed to fall asleep immediately. There were a few minutes of silence before Jungkook spoke.

"What if it's actually no one and there's 18 years of dust on the clock?" he said.

"What if," Jimin said. "What if I was on the clock for 18 years?"

"Sitting on the clock?"

"No, like, punched in."

"You'd be rich."

"On the clock, 18 years straight, minimum wage, what would I have?"

Taehyung rolled back to Jimin to tell him that this conversation was stupid and to tell them to go the fuck to sleep.

Jimin and Jungkook lay still for a few minutes and Jimin figured Jungkook had fallen back asleep. He only realized he'd been smiling the whole time because his cheeks started to hurt. He relaxed his face and took a deep breath. The sleepiness hit him all at once, and just as he closed his eyes, Jungkook spoke again.

"One point three million dollars, or something like that," he said.

Jimin couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. Taehyung jumped, startled by the sudden noise.

"Why couldn't this have been another Hoseok rant?" Taehyung said. "Why'd it have to be this?"

For once the sound of Hoseok's name spoken didn't sting, didn't resonate within his chest and echo throughout his brain.

Jungkook smirked at Jimin and reached up to playfully smack him, who then smacked him back, a grin spreading across his face. Eventually it got quiet again, and Jimin looked over the side of the bed to see that Jungkook had fallen back asleep. Taehyung snored quietly beside him. He shifted onto his side and slept immediately, deeply, dreamlessly.

He awoke the next afternoon in the same position he fell asleep in, rested and happy.

* * *

Jimin’s phone rang later that day. He ignored it, thinking that if it was someone important they’d just text him. But a minute later it rang again. He figured it must be Jungkook, since he left the house not that long ago, and since nobody else ever called him. He fumbled with the video game controller as he maneuvered the phone up to his ear.

"Hello?"

"Jiminie," said Hoseok in his signature deep flirty voice.

Jimin straightened his back and tried to sound casual. "What's up?"

"Do you want to meet up?"

Jimin's heart fluttered and tears pricked at the corners of his eyes.

"What?" was all he choked out. He hadn't seen Hoseok since the night at the bar.

"I want to catch up," Hoseok said brightly.

Jimin tried to pause the game with shaking hands.

"Sure. Yeah, okay." He managed to hit the right button, but the controller fell onto the floor. "Shit."

"You good?" Jimin could hear Hoseok's smile through the phone. He pictured the exact face he knew Hoseok was making. Wide grin, eyes cast down. He swallowed hard.

At that moment Taehyung turned from where he stood in front of the closet to face Jimin, his stern expression made somehow less serious by the mistake in his hair. He mouthed the words, _Is that Hoseok?_ and pointed an accusatory finger at the phone.

Jimin looked up at him, wide eyed and slack-jawed.

"Yeah," he said to Hoseok. "I just dropped a-doesn't matter. Yeah, let's meet up."

"Jimin!" Taehyung angrily whispered.

"Oh yeah?" Hoseok said. "Ah, good. You busy tonight?"

"Tonight?" He still looked up at Taehyung, who pressed his lips together and very slowly shook his head.

"I actually have a thing tonight," Jimin said.

 _Hang up the phone,_ Taehyung mouthed at him.

"But I'm free until, like, eight," Jimin said, flashing Taehyung an innocent smile.

"Park Jimin," Taehyung growled.

Jimin looked down at the controller he dropped and ignored Taehyung as hard as he could.

"Okay, great," Hoseok said. "Let's meet at our spot at...6:30 good?"

"Yeah, that works."

"Bring a jacket, okay? We can't have Jimin catch a cold."

Jimin tried to conceal his smile. "Okay, I'll see you soon."

Hoseok laughed. "Okay, bye."

"Bye." He hung up and looked at Taehyung, who hesitated for a beat before lunging at him. Jimin quickly dove out of the way and ran out of the room.

* * *

Knowing Hoseok would get there early, Jimin planned to arrive five minutes late. He stood on the sand and looked out at the end of the jetty, where Hoseok stood with his back to the world, looking out at the ocean.

Jimin stared for a while. He waited for his heart to react. He waited to feel whole again.

But nothing happened.

Hoseok walked slowly back and forth, hands in his pockets, and Jimin took a deep breath. The person he was watching was just...a person. A person who he used to love, who used to be his whole world. But now he just looked ordinary. He was still beautiful, that couldn't be denied. But he wasn't _his_ anymore.

Halfway to Hoseok, Jimin's phone vibrated in his pocket. It was a text from Taehyung. He turned his phone off before reading the message and continued on.

He stood behind Hoseok for a moment. He couldn't think of what to say. He opened his mouth but no sound came out so he cleared his throat.

The sound startled Hoseok, who jumped a little and spun around to face Jimin, his mouth a little o that slowly spread to the heart-shaped smile that used to give Jimin butterflies.

Jimin smiled and looked down at his own feet.

"Jiminie," Hoseok said.

In response, Jimin peeked up from under his hair. He didn't try to hide the smile on his face.

"You're blonde now?" Hoseok said, still smiling wide. He gestured to Jimin's hair and took a step closer.

Hoseok's hair had never changed. It was dark brown the day that they met and it was still the same shade today.

Jimin ran his fingers through his hair and finally looked up into Hoseok's eyes. He was surprised to find genuine happiness there.

"It looks cute," Hoseok continued when Jimin said nothing. "It suits you well."

"Thank you," Jimin said.

Hoseok smiled at Jimin for a beat before turning towards the edge of the jetty as if he'd forgotten something and had just remembered it.

"Come here and sit with me," Hoseok said.

Jimin followed Hoseok and they sat down with their legs dangling over the rocks, in their old spot where they used to lie tangled up in each other and watch the sunrise. For a moment he remembered sitting in this exact spot a long time ago, sharing a bottle of whiskey and staring at the moon, crying because the love was too much too quickly. Again Jimin found himself waiting for his heart to feel something. He knew that this moment was meaningful but couldn't think of the meaning. Eventually he gave up trying to figure it out and let himself enjoy the sound of the waves crashing.

He glanced at Hoseok, whose body was turned away from his as he unzipped a backpack beside him and pulled out a soda and potato chips. He held both out to Jimin, who set the bottle down between them. He realized he had been starving as he tore open the bag.

He felt Hoseok staring at his face as he looked out at the water, absently reaching for a chip. He knew without looking the exact smile Hoseok wore. He had gotten used to that look, because when Hoseok knew he'd fucked up, he'd try to make it up to Jimin by feeding him. Every time he accepted the offering, he'd be met with the same dopey grin.

He couldn't see it, but he knew.

Hoseok took a sip out of the bottle and passed it to Jimin. If it was a month ago, he would've drank from it, just to feel close to him, to touch with his own lips something that had touched Hoseok's. If it had been all he was offered, he would've taken it without hesitation and been grateful.

He took the bottle from Hoseok but placed it back on the ground between them.

"So how have things been?" Hoseok said.

A month ago, Jimin would've told him the truth, which was that everything was shit, that he'd never felt so hopeless in his life. While it was still true, Jimin felt no need to say it.

"Fine," Jimin said. "How are you?"

Hoseok burst out laughing. "Why so formal?"

Jimin couldn't help but laugh with him. He picked up the bottle and took a sip. He choked on the harsh flavor.

"I don't know why I expected ginger ale," Jimin said, still laughing.

"Ah, have you just met me?"

This, too, felt heavy. If Jimin was honest with himself, then yeah, he felt like he was meeting Hoseok for the first time. This wasn't the person he met in the arcade. This wasn't the person he'd fallen in love with. This wasn't the person who'd held him close, who tearfully told him that he was done, that Jimin was it.

He'd changed.

And Jimin felt okay for the first time in a long time.

"How is Hyerin?" he said.

Hoseok smiled and looked down at his hands in his lap, then out at the ocean.

"She's really good."

Jimin felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes but smiled anyway. He leaned back on his elbows and looked at the sky.

"She asks about you a lot," Hoseok said.

"No, she doesn't."

"Really." Hoseok turned his whole body to face Jimin and sat cross-legged. He took a swig of Jameson.

"She worries about you."

"That's a sick joke, Hoseok."

"Believe me or don't, I guess."

Jimin laid on his back and closed his eyes, listening to the ocean, hyper-aware of Hoseok sitting beside him, staring at him. He took a few deep breaths, and after he'd calmed himself down, opened his eyes and looked at Hoseok. He'd turned his head away from Jimin and was staring at the ocean.

Jimin shifted uncomfortably, the concrete hurting the back of his head.

"I'm sorry," Hoseok said. "I didn't mean to sound harsh."

Jimin closed his eyes and said nothing. He was surprised he wasn't more angry, more anxious.

He suddenly felt a hand on the back of his neck, and his whole body tensed up. He looked up at Hoseok, who had taken off his hoodie and rolled it up. He was holding it next to Jimin's head with his free hand. Jimin relaxed and lifted his head off the ground so Hoseok could slide it underneath like a pillow. When he laid back down, he was more comfortable.

"Thanks," he said quietly.

"How are Tae and Kook?" Hoseok asked.

Jimin thought of his friends and smiled. "They're trying their best."

This made Hoseok laugh. "What did they think of you coming to meet me?"

"Oh, Taehyung tackled me to the floor twice between our phone call and my leaving his house."

"Only twice?" He laughed again as a powerful wave crashed against the rocks under them. Jimin laughed with him and thought to himself once again that he'd never be able to hear the ocean without thinking of Hoseok. But he didn't mind it. Some people, some associations, just stick in the mind forever, long after love is over.

"What about Jungkook?" Hoseok said.

"He's probably picking Tae up right now. Who knows. They might be slashing your tires as we speak."

"Then it's probably a good thing I took Hyerin's car."

"You're lucky then." Jimin laughed but Hoseok didn't laugh with him. "You okay?"

"I totaled my car," Hoseok said. Jimin sat up and faced him. "Swerved into a guard rail." He mimed losing control of a car and crashing it, jerking his body forward, then let his hands fall to his thighs and laughed without humor.

"Oh, God. Were you hurt?"

"Some scrapes and bruises. Nothing serious."

"Were you drunk? Was Hyerin with you?"

"Yes. No." Hoseok looked into Jimin's eyes like he wanted to say more. His lips twitched as if they were trying to form words. Eventually he sighed.

"I'm sorry for what happened," Hoseok said, defeated.

"What?" was all Jimin could think to say.

"For everything you went through. I'm just sorry."

Jimin's hands shook, the physiological response to anger manifesting faster than the emotion itself.

"For what _happened_?" Jimin said. "Everything I _went_ through?"

Hoseok tilted his head and furrowed his brows.

"Seriously, Hoseok, take some responsibility. It didn't just _happen._ You did it. And I didn't _go_ through it. You _put_ me through it."

Hoseok bowed his head and his shoulders sank. He wilted as he finally let himself feel the guilt of what he'd done. This was all Jimin had wanted. For months he thought about what it would feel like to throw this in Hoseok's face, to make Hoseok feel as badly as he'd made Jimin feel.

But he felt none of the relief he'd felt when he rehearsed this conversation in his moments alone.

Jimin put his hand on Hoseok's back. At the contact, Hoseok leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and cradled his head in his hands.

"I know," Hoseok said.

They stayed like that for a long time before Hoseok spoke again.

"I'm sorry about how badly I fucked up," he said. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know," Jimin said, rubbing Hoseok's back.

"I couldn't leave without telling you that."

"I know," Jimin said. After a beat he realized what Hoseok had said. "Wait, where are you going?"

"I just can't be in this place anymore, Jimin."

He pulled his hand away from Hoseok as if the contact suddenly burned him.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Jimin was suddenly angry again, but couldn't figure out why. He took a swig of whiskey, grimaced, and offered the bottle to Hoseok who shook his head, which was still in his hands.

It was clear that Hoseok wasn't going to offer anything more.

"I'm fine," Jimin said. "You can leave this place knowing that I'm totally fine. It was just a fucking breakup. Get over yourself."

Finally Hoseok lifted his head to look over at Jimin. He had tears in his eyes. That hurt him.

"You meant everything to me, you know," Hoseok said.

"So you say."

Jimin dumped the rest of the whiskey into the water and Hoseok watched him do it without protest.

"Don't wreck your fiancée's car on the way home, alright?" he said as he stood up.

Hoseok stared up at him, and Jimin walked away before he could say anything. He only made it a few steps before he looked over his shoulder at the crumpled man he'd left behind. He sat facing sideways, hunched over, legs pulled up to his chest, watching Jimin leave. It was the most pathetic Jimin had ever seen him look. He softened. He felt sorry for the kid.

He sighed and went back, bent down to pick up the rolled up hoodie that had been his pillow, and shook it out before holding it open behind Hoseok. After he'd slipped his arms back in and returned to hugging his own legs, Jimin squatted beside him.

"Wherever you're going," Jimin said, "I hope it makes you both happy. Truly."

"Are you mad at me?" Hoseok said.

"Of course I am," Jimin said. But he smiled widely. "I think I'll always be a little mad at you."

Hoseok nodded and cast his eyes down. "I really am sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"Can I ask you something?" Jimin said.

"What?"

"You knew I was there that night. We spoke. How could you do that?"

Hoseok smiled sadly as though this was the question he'd been expecting the whole time.

"There's nothing I can say to make this right," he said, and Jimin knew it was the truth. "All I can tell you is that once the reality of it sank in a few days after, and I told Hyerin I saw you earlier that night, she got really angry."

Jimin was caught off guard. "She did?"

"We got into a whole fight about it. She told me I was insensitive."

"She was right."

"I know, I know."

Jimin didn't know why this new information comforted him, but it did.

"You two are okay now, though, right?"

"Now we're good. Yeah."

Jimin nodded and smiled. "Hope I didn't ruin your engagement story."

Hoseok laughed. "You did, just a little bit."

"Yeah? Good."

They laughed together, but Jimin could tell Hoseok still wanted to say more.

"I think I'm gonna go now," Jimin finally said.

"Okay, yeah. I've kept you from Tae long enough."

"And I think I'm gonna take these chips when I go." He grabbed the bag before standing up. He kept eye contact with Hoseok as he reached in to grab a handful and shove it sloppily into his mouth.

Hoseok laughed and straightened his back. "Okay."

"Good luck wherever you end up," Jimin said, his mouth still full.

"Thank you." Hoseok nodded.

Jimin took a step backwards towards the beach and Hoseok stood up, brushed sand off his pants, and walked towards him.

"You're a good kid," Hoseok said. "I never deserved you."

"You're right."

Hoseok laughed and pulled Jimin into a tight hug. A strong breeze blew his blonde hair over his eyes as the tears that had been threatening to fall finally spilled onto his cheeks.

He wanted to say that he loved him, because he did. He wanted to say that he forgave him, because he did.

A set of five big waves crashed on the rocks and they held onto each other. At the end of the set, they let go. Hoseok left one hand on Jimin's shoulder and flashed him a heart-shaped smile.

Jimin wiped his tears away with his free hand and laughed at himself. Hoseok laughed, too, with his whole body, the way Jimin was used to.

"Always such a crybaby," Hoseok teased.

Jimin laughed and gave Hoseok a playful shove.

"Go home. Tae must be worried sick."

Jimin smiled and nodded. "Tell Hyerin I said hi." He turned and started walking away.

"I will."

Jimin turned around, said, "and that I'm okay," and turned back to the beach.

"She'll love to hear that."

Jimin clambered over the rocks. "Keep in touch," he shouted over his shoulder.

"I will," Hoseok shouted back. "I promise."

Jimin stopped and looked over his shoulder one more time and Hoseok waved, that big, dumb heart-shaped grin on his face.

He heard Hoseok shout something, but the sound of the waves drowned out the words. He didn't turn back, didn't ask him to repeat himself.

He'd followed hope to the end of the earth and left it there, and he was okay.


End file.
